Staying warm

I think I’ve had more to drink in the past 2 weeks than I have in my entire life. A complete exaggeration, but it still feels like it. It’s Giants baseball, and it’s got me good. On a normal week I’ll drink once maybe twice a week. And that’s almost always on the weekend. I rarely have a drink after work. Not for any particular reason, just because that’s how I roll.

But these past 2 weeks. Holy shit. It’s been a bit of a shit show. I drank 3 beers last night on the ferry ride home. And the ferry ride is all of 30 minutes. This isn’t a seedy bar on a Friday night. This is your friendly evening commute on the ferry ride home. And I got after it. Why? Because of Giants baseball. That's why.

I had a grown up moment last weekend. It was a Friday night. The Giants were up 4-1 at home against Atlanta in game 2 of the NLDS and I was standing at an open bar, watching the game, during a rehearsal dinner. If you know me, or you read this blog enough, you know that I like the brown stuff. No, not black chicks. (But I’d totally nail Alicia Silverstone’s friend in Clueless. She shows her tits in some Showtime movie she did a few years bag. Huge nipples. very pointy. Still sexy. Whatever. Where was I?) I like whiskey. Let me try that again. I love whiskey. Jericho and I started a whiskey drinking club a few months back. It basically means we each buy a nice bottle of whiskey and go back and forth sampling the two, making asinine comments like we’re wine tasting (“it has an earthy finish”), until we’re good and smashed. Then we keep drinking some more. And then some more. And we drink it on ice. So there is nothing to slow us down. You can see how this goes. Pretty fucking sweet huh?

But there is a massive difference between a whiskey tasting night with Jericho, and an open bar at a rehersal dinner during Giants playoff baseball. Trust me on this one. At first, everything was great. How could it not be? We were cruising along with a 3 run lead, I was making small talk with the mother of the bride and yucking it up with the groomsmen. All the while, I was slamming whiskey. I was oblivious. I was nervous. I was elated at the thought of the Giants advancing.

And then we lost the lead in the 8th inning.

What started as a fun, celebratory evening, quickly turned ugly. And angry. And messy. And sloppy. And ass-slap happy. I'll spare you the details. But at the wedding the next day I had to apologize to no less than 3 people. Including a bridesmaid. And the brother of the bride. Fuck I can be stupid sometimes.

So I’m off the sauce. I’ve grown to like beer. Sorta. Besides the frequent peeing I’m enjoying my beer only adventures. I definitely get drunk. But I feel a bit more composed while doing so. Whatever that means.

Bottom line, the Giants are running my life right now. I've neglected my fantasy teams. I've stopped working out. I've snapped at my wife for no reason. And I've drank myself into a stupor on an almost nightly basis. I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. God I love the Giants.

*Big Easy’s lock of the week…if gambling was legal, or course: East Carolina over Marshall, giving 12.5. Lock it down bitches.

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Week 2 Observations

By Magglio and Jericho

• For the Jets, it’s all about confidence. They were down early to the Pats but were able to make a few good stops on defense, followed by a few good plays on offense, which ultimately restored their confidence. Sanchez is a fragile little girl. But Sunday he felt pretty so he had a good day. Mark my words, the Jets will lose at New England in Week 13. Someone will tell Sanchez he looks fat in his football pants and he’ll cry like he lost the school vote for prom queen. Pats take the 2nd meeting for sure.

• Yesterday across the bottom line there was a line item that the Jags picked up Todd Bouman at QB. Seriously? If you’re a Jacksonville fan….actually, if you’re a Jacksonville fan never read our blog again. But a word of advice, it’s time to pick up a new hobby…like getting fist fucked. Give it a whirl. I can’t imagine you’d feel any worse than you do right about now.
  

• Wade Phillips should be fired right now. Seriously. No need to wait until after they get embarrassed in Houston. Just fire the lifeless bastard right now. Anyone know his phone number? I’m happy to make the call personally.
  

• The Seahawks, as we pointed out last week, are absolute dog shit. I have no confidence in their abilities, in their coaching staff or in their masculinity. They’re horrible. And besides Lofa Tatupu I’m not sure there’s anything cool about the team. If you’re a Seahawks fan you might want to just run a hose from the exhaust pipe into the car and get it over quickly. This is going to be a long and shitty season.
  

• Here's a new rule: if you’re a cute chick, and you add a photo album to Facebook that's called "summer lovin!" or something to that effect, and it doesn't have one bikini shot, then you have to add a picture of your boobs
  

• The Chiefs are not as good as their 2-0 record and the Niners are about to expose them as frauds. This should be fun.
  

• Fantasy Fuck Yous: Maurice Jones-Drew, Joe Flacco, Michael Turner, Ryan Matthews, Bernard Berrian, Shonn Greene (again) and everyone on the Bengals.
  

• The Steelers are Super Bowl bound. (there, you happy now Emily?) This is the truth. They’re playing lock down defense and beating fuckers with Charlie Batch. Read that sentence again. Then pretend its 1997, Bone Thugs is dropping ‘Tha Crossroads’ and you and your friends are certain Miles Simon is in fact the next Michael Jordan. Imagine what happens when Big Ben comes home. And you thought that chick in the bathroom got a rude awakening.
  

• Big Easy’s Betting Tip of the Week (if betting were legal, of course): Bengals -3.5 at Carolina. The Panthers are rolling out Jimmy Clausen for the first time. ‘Nuff said.
  

• No seriously, Jags fans, stop reading our blog.

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Thoughts on Week 1

Thoughts on Week 1 - by Magglio and Jericho

-Watching the Seahawks destroy the Niners was like watching your chick put on a sexy nighty while she's on her period. For a split second, all rationality goes out the window and you think, "oh, I'm gonna tear that ass up." Never happens. Hasn't happened once in the history of the earth or the penis (not sure which was first). So, root for the Hawks at your own risk. Just remember, there's a bloody puss down there.

-The Jets and the Ravens game was fantastic from start to finish. I loved every single story line that became a bit clearer as the night went on; Ray Lewis is still the best defensive player in the league, Rex Ryan my be the coolest son-of-a-bitch on the planet, the Ravens have 3 veteran WRs who are impossible to defend even if you have corners like the Jets, Gruden is the smartest announcer in the game and Jaws is becoming increasingly paranoid, and Mark Sanchez can’t throw the ball more than 10 yards. The only thing missing was a sexy Mexican sideline reporter. Oh wait.

-Fuck Tim Hightower, Phillip Rivers, Shonn Greene, Kevin Kolb, Bernard Berrian, Arian Foster, and the entire 49ers organization.

-Watching Vick elude the Packers defense was reminiscent of his days at Va Tech. He’s still got moves. It’s amazing to think he’s the same year as Ladanian Tomlinson. Two years in the clink kept his legs fresh. The question is what is the best TD dance Vick could do after he runs one in? So far the best I’ve come up with is this: After he scores, two of his lineman come over and get on all 4s while facing each other. Then, two of the other lineman hold on to the ‘collars’ of the down lineman as they lunge at each other barking ferociously. Vick then stands in the middle with his arms spread wide and looks to the heavens as a gesture to all the dogs he put down. Too much?

-I don’t think the Bears are very good, but there is a good chance they can beat Dallas this weekend and roll into week 3’s MNF game in Green Bay at 2-0. Their offense, despite Mike ‘am I still relevant?’ Martz, is still super sketchy. The Bears D should keep them in games but they still have some big time problems. Why do I think they can beat the Cowboys on Sunday? Because the Cowboys are like Heidi and Spencer. Too interested in their own fame to figure out that they have absolutely no talent. Ooooh. Facial!

-The Colts are not as bad as they appear after Week 1.

-The Chiefs are not as good as they appear after Week 1.

-Brett Favre is done. He’s too old and too brittle to make this work one more time. My money is on Tavaris Jackson becoming the starter, because of injury, by week 6. And I promise that is the last time I will mention Brett Favre ever again.

- Um, best pic ever?

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At least we're not Cubs fans

I’m 31 years old and I spent half of my day on Saturday stressed out, pouting and hurling insults at my TV while my wife maniacally swept and mopped the floors. It’s football season.

Now let me explain the sexist scene. My wife wasn’t cleaning because she’s the woman of the household, she was cleaning because she was too nervous about watching the Husky game. I don’t blame her. I chewed off every single finger nail before half time. How does it get like this?

When I was little the Niners won the Super Bowl every single year. So while it was fun, it never felt like we had just conquered the world. I knew every season we’d probably steam roll every team and I’d celebrate with my dad and brother accordingly. It was expected.

And the Giants were the Giants. We were always pretty good. We got our ass handed to us in the ’89 World Series by the A’s but we had guys like Will Clark, Kevin Mitchell and Matt Williams…so it was always magic. And we had superheros on our team so who cared if won the big one?

When my brother was old enough to realize what was going on he became an obsessive Giants fan. But his obsession bordered on psychotic. I remember when he was about 6 or 7 years old, he would lock himself in his room for hours after the Giants lost a game. A game. In a good year the Giants would lose at least 70 games. I was always stunned that he couldn’t just get over a loss. I mean, it’s just sports right?

But lately, I find myself feeling like a 7-year old kid locked in my bedroom. I’m taking each Giants loss personally. A roughing the kicker call against UW almost caused me to lose my voice I was yelling so loud. What happened? How did it get like this?

In 2001 I watched Tuiasasopo march all over Drew Brees and the Boilermakers to win the Rose Bowl and finish 3rd in the country. In 2002, I was 5 outs away from dancing in the streets of San Francisco and pouring beers on the heads of complete strangers. But that’s it. I obsess about sports every day of my life. And I can count on one hand the amount of successes I’ve felt in return.

What kind of ROI is that?

Half of you are probably rolling your eyes. Because you’re probably a Cubs fan or a Bengals fan. But I don’t care. That means nothing to me. I’m a Giants fans. And a Niners fan. And a Husky fan. And every time one of my teams takes the field every fiber of my being is hoping, praying and focusing on a victory.

So when the Giants win the World Series this year will it all be worth it?

I’m not sure quite yet.

But I’m really fucking excited to find out.



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We love chicks.

Want to do some guilt free creepy stalking? Then click here for the complete slide show.
You're welcome. And God bless women.


(Thanks GQ)



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Apples and Moustaches...just cause

by Magglio and Jericho

Apple
I always knew Eli Manning had periods, I just didn't know he got them on his forehead.


Moustache
Brett Favre is returning to football. This story is the equivalent of my obsession with Mad Dog 20/20 in college. Every Thursday night I’d attempt to put down 2 bottles of MD 20/20. Inevitably I couldn’t finish the 2nd bottle. We’d then go out to a bar and within an hour or so I’d be headed home to spend the rest of the night puking and making out with a fat chick. Brett Favre is the drink, the puke and that fat chick I used to take home all wrapped into one. I want nothing to do with Brett Favre ever again.


Apple
Twitter update! The funniest twats I’ve read come from Sarah Silverman. That is one funny dude. What? That’s a chick. Why does she have a moustache then? Oh and by the way, we’re on Twitter now. Find us @rickreilyisgay “ We have exactly 0 followers. Follow us. Or don't. But either way, fuck Twitter.


Moustache
A few years ago, Magglio and I decided that every time Matt Millen appears on TV, a little box should appear that says “Was GM of first team in history to go 0-16” for the entire time he’s speaking. Here’s another one I’d like to add. Every time Katy Perry is shaking her admittedly gorgeous tits around, the box should say “has most definitely had Russell Brand’s poop in her mouth.” I like Russell Brand and I like Katy Perry’s melons, which are admittedly gorgeous, but those tits have been on a wild ride and that should be noted.


Apple
I'm approaching my fantasy draft the same way I approached being with a naked girl for the first time: if something looks good I'm grabbing it.


Moustache
Remember the “help me, help you” scene in Jerry Maguire? Anyone who has ever worked at an agency (PR, ads, escorts, whatever) can attest to how accurately that scene captures the frustration that comes with trying to talk a dumb person out of doing something dumb, full while knowing they’re going to do it anyway because, after all, they’re dumb. Having clients who won’t listen is analogous to watching your dog eat a pile of shit. The worst part isn’t the shit itself; it’s the weird look the dog gives you that says “man, you’re crazy, this shit is delicious” as you’re imploring him/her to stop. That look is 50 times worse than the act itself. Replace the dog with a client, the shit with an idea they just took a dump on and the “delicious!” look with a “I’ve got it!” email and you’ve got agency life.




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A few A&Ms

Apple
I’m not a girl. I don’t have girl parts. But I do know that any time a commercial starts with ‘my doctor told me there’s no need to have my period once a month’ and ends with warnings of possible inflammation of the uterus and vaginal lacerations, then something is out of whack. I’ll take my birth control the old fashion "pull-out and aim" way thank you very much.


Moustache
Who do you take with the 7th pick in your fantasy draft? Let’s say it goes CJ, AP, Rice, MJD, Turner, and Andre Johnson…who do you take then? As much as I love the Niners I don’t want Gore. No thank you on Steven Jackson. A quarterback? Maybe. The other option is you nut up and grab one of the big name WRs not named Moss. Like Roddy White or DeSean Jackson or Miles Austin. My strategy this year is to not worry about where I’m picking but worry about just taking who I want.


Apple
Can someone please explain to me once and for all what the fuck Twitter is all about? I don’t get it. I really don’t. I have a Twitter account and yes it’s great to stay up on sports news as well as what J-WOWW’s mighty cannons are up to. But that’s about it. I’ve had precisely 9 tweets. All of them go out into the great unknown world of the interwebnet and then what? I don’t get any feedback. No former classmate who used to give handys to the entire basketball team gives it the thumbs up. So what then? Someone please explain. Preferably someone named MarinGuy.


Moustache
I’m trying to hook two people up that I know. The dude is one of my best friends on the planet who I’ve known since we were 5. The other is a chick I work with. Here’s the funny thing about hooking two people up. At first, you know everything about how things are going. You know who texted who. You know what they talked about on their dates. You know if he went under the shirt over the bra or if he went straight for the slap and a tickle. And then….BOOM. Just like that you know nothing. They all of a sudden have their own wave length, their own moments and their own inside jokes. This must be what a momma bear feels like when she lets her cub go into the wild. Fuck that was gay. Forget that last part please.


Apple
Here’s a trend I’m tired of; articles about sandwiches. Where to get the best sandwich. How to build the perfect sandwich. What your sandwich says about you. Is this really what this world has come to? We have nothing better to talk about then which mayo aioli to pair with ham and provolone? Go fuck yourself articles about sandwiches.


That is all.

Go Giants.




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