It's Friday, where's the 40?

written by Magglio and Jericho




Apple
I know everyone of you is asking yourself the same questions right now: why hasn’t Jericho weighed in on the Oscar nominations yet? Where the fuck is he? Yes, the article about the guy who can talk with his farts was delightful, but that’s not why he gets paid the big bucks around here. I hear you, friends, hear you loud and clear, however, I haven’t seen enough movies yet to have an objective opinion about who got robbed and who robbed them. I will say this though; not nominating Christopher Nolan for best director for the Dark Knight is one of the bigger oversights I can remember. Honestly, what movie did you see this year, or ever for that matter, that was better made – from a technical, timing, editing, vision perspective – than the Dark Knight? I was hoping for best picture, best screenplay and a host of others, but I can live without them. Nolan got his fucking wallet stolen on this one. That’s a damn shame. More thoughts on this after I’ve knocked out a few more movies.



Moustache
I’ve been searching for months for a Mr. G the musical sweatshirt like the one seen in Summer Heights High. It does not exist. (Someone make it and lets sell it from this blog…see what I did there? Innovation. Creativity. Desire. It’s called Biz Dev. Anyone want to apply for this position please email us at applesandmoustaches@gmail.com) But I did find this sweatshirt…pretty fucking sweet huh?



Apple
In 1998, on Michael Jordan’s final tour, the Bulls came to town. A friend and I went to the ATM, drained our accounts and showed up before the game hoping to scalp some tickets. The cheapest we could fine was $500 each and they were nosebleeds. So, one of my greatest sports regrets in life is that I never got to see Jordan play. Well, I’m not going to let history repeat itself. Suck it JSherm. I’m going to the Cavs and Warriors game tonight with my best girl. Seats are 10 rows back. Check it off the list. Kobe, you’re next.



Moustache
A chick wrote me an email that ended with ‘Please tell me what you would like me to do.’ Three responses I wish I replied with:

1 - Keep eating those Chipotle burritos. If your goal is to look like Raven Simone then congrats…you’re well on your way.

2 - Have your floating ribs removed and try to suck yourself off you freaky bitch.

3 - Cut off one of your ears so I have a really good reason to feel sorry for you. This whiny cunt thing just isn't working for me.



Apple
The Washington Huskies are currently all alone in 2nd place in the Pac-10 with UCLA coming to town on Saturday. While half the world doesn’t acknowledge basketball until after the Super Bowl, finally we have something to cheer about with the Huskies. And even though I’m not going to join, I’m impressed with the ‘Jon Brockman is the Chuck Norris of Basketball’ group on Facebook.



Moustache
KK brought up a good point today. Never borrow someone elses cell phone. Think about it. How many times have you been in a bathroom and heard some jackhole on their cell phone. Literally pissing and talking. Wiping his ass and chatting it up. You never know where someone’s phone has been. KK also thinks we should institute a rule of informing the person on the other end of the phone what you’re doing should you be the pisser. Maybe we could make this into an iPhone app. Andy, can you nerd it up and make this happen? (Damn it. This is why I never take KK’s recommendations for what to post about.)



Apple
What I’m listening to right now: The Raconteurs, Live at the Warfield 7/23/06. “How you gonna rock yourself to sleep./ When I give up my midnight creep girl/ How you gonna get that deep/ When your daddy ain't around here to do it to you?" I swear I've heard TahoeSanta utter those exact words to a chick once.



Moustache
Salting the wound. The Brewers gave Prince Fielder $18million over 2 years. Yes, that’s the same exact amount the Giants gave Edgar Renteria. I am withholding any judgment on Renteria until he’s played a few games for us but riddle me this. Who would you rather have? An aging infielder who’s numbers have been in a serious decline the past 5 seasons or a rotund 24 year old who is capable of belting 50 ding dongs a year? A bunch of fucking amateurs.






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Apples & Moustaches’ Entrepreneur of the Month

*Note: each month Apples and Moustaches showcases one of the brightest, bravest and boldest members of the entrepreneurial community. Nominations forms are submitted by a third party and A&M selects the winner based on a series of criteria ranging from ingenuity to marketability to the average breast size of the employees.

This month’s winner: Charles Selrahc
Title: VP of Casual Design
Company: AssQuerade
Headquarters: Von Ponny, Kansas
Employees: 300+
The Product: Fundies
What it does: Underwear that has a state of the art filtration system, enabling wearers to fart unashamedly in public by emitting a common sound, completely drowning out any potential rip. Fundies come in all shapes and sizes, and feature sounds for three separate situations: office (a chair being pushed back, a stapler, an elevator door opening), dinner party (champagne cork being popped, silverware being put in a drawer, a doorbell) and car ride (horn honking, a siren, a garage door opening). Stop making that “I don’t want to fart” face and start living your life.
Company Tagline: Fundies: It’s our little secret. Hey, is that someone at the door?

Transcript of the interview:

A&M: Great to meet you, Charles, conrgats on the award.

CS: Thanks, Jericho. This is a proud day for farters everywhere.

(The sound of a chair scooting back is heard in the distance)

A&M: Yes, indeed it is. You know, one of the reasons we selected your product, out of the tens of applicants, was your passion for your cause. On your website you mention “correcting the history of the fart.” What does that mean exactly?

CS: Thanks, we are very passionate about our cause. The fart, a beautiful little byproduct of the human body, has long been judged unfairly and had its role in human history completely minimized by a bunch of puritanical anti-fartites.

A&M: Anti-fartites?

CS: Yes, one who hates farts and discriminates against farters in general.

(A stapler is heard several times in the distance)

A&M: Interesting, and you’re saying that these anti-fartites have altered history by purposely omitting the role that farts have played in important events?

CS: Exactly! You hit the nail right on the head.

(The sound of a hole puncher is heard in the distance)

A&M: Well, it sounds like you did too.

CS: I’m sorry, I don’t know what you’re talking about.

A&M: Of course you don’t. Let’s talk about history, give me a few examples of what the anti-fartites have done.

CS: There are many of course. I mean, some of the most important events in history have involved or revolved around a fart. You remember Patrick Henry’s famous speech about liberty don’t you?

A&M: I think so, the “Give me liberty or give me death” speech?

CS: Exactly. History has conveniently omitted the second half of that quote. What he actually said was, “Give me liberty or give me death. Excuse that stench, I’m afraid I’ve farted.”

A&M: Wow! I did not know that.

CS: Few do. Even fewer know about Julius Caesar and his famous last words.

A&M: Wait, is this the “et tu Brute” line?

CS: Yes and no. The details of the story are true: Caesar was chased out of Congress and beaten to death by his friends and associates. However, where history goes astray is what happened next. It’s been reported that Caesar looked up at his friend Brutus and uttered his famous line, which translates as “you too, Brutus?” What actually happened was that as he lay dying someone cut an enormous fart. Caesar, annoyed that his brave death scene had been interrupted by the unscrupulous farter, looked up and indignantly said, “was that you, Brutus?”

A&M: Amazing.

CS: Hey, did you know that the first Apollo launch was just a way to cover up a massive case of diarrhea?

A&M: You are truly a professor of fart history.

CS: No, Jericho, human history. Fart history is human history.

A&M: Well said, sir.

CS: Thank you.

A&M: You’re such an expert on farts and farting, any particular fart your favorite?

CS: Oh, there’s just too many good ones to have a favorite. There’s the rip, the foot in the mud, the baby shit, the squirt, the double squirt, the chocolate squirrel, the Hershey hose, the melted brownie blast, the hot potato, the around the world swirl, the loose balloon, the gong, the dirty gong, the swiss mountain dog, the short pants, the Darth Vader, the ambulance chaser, the limping nun, the wounded tiger and of course, El Presidente.

A&M: El Presidente?

CS: Yes, that’s when your fart sounds like the name of the President.

A&M: Wow, I’m not familiar with that one.

CS: Would you like to hear one?

A&M: Wow, you’ve got one in the can?

CS: Of course! Hold on let me turn off my Fundies.

(CS, reaches down the back of his pants and hits a button. After a few seconds…)

CS’ Butt: Grover Cleveland

A&M: Outstanding!

CS’ Butt: You are very welcome, Jericho

A&M: Holy shit! You can make it talk?!

CS’ Butt: Indubitably

A&M: What can you make it say?

CS’ Butt: I am fluent in more than 6 million forms of communication.

A&M: Amazing. Would you mind saying “Magglio eats dick sandwiches?”

CS’ Butt: Magglio eats dick sandwiches for lunch, but first, as an appetizer, he likes Cock-Itz, similar to Cheese-itz, but made from bits of ground up lizard cock.

A&M: Excellent punctuation, ass of a man I was interviewing! A perfect way to end our session!

CS’ Butt: I am always happy to oblige one of my…

(At this, CS’ Butt cuts off in mid-sentence and a low, loud gurgling noise is heard).

A&M: Oh God, what is that?

CS: That, my friend, is two Smokey Big Bites from 7-11.

A&M: It smells like sewage. I feel like Andy getting away from Shawshank.

(The sound of a box of paper clips being spilled on the floor is heard in the distance)

A&M: Fundies turned back on?

CS: Yes.

A&M: Thank God, was getting a little unnerving to be honest. Well, Charles, anything you’d like to add as we wrap up?

CS: Yes, thank you, Jericho. There’s so much I’d like to say to the people of the world, to the children of the people of the world, to the unborn children of the world that will one day be born to the children of the world after the grow up and decide to have children, about the need for tolerance, acceptance, forgiveness. If God wanted us to hold our farts in he’d have sewed our assholes closed and had us excrete through sweating or other methods. Remember what Jesus said to the one-legged, farting goat herder of Nazareth, “Let he who hath split thy pants in vain rejoice, for you shall boof unabashedly on the streets of heaven. To turn the other cheek is God’s gift, to fluff is not folly.”

A&M: Wait, Jesus said that?

CS: Of course!

A&M: That was in the third testament right?

CS: It was indeed! Now, look who is the professor of fart history!

A&M: Human history, Charles. Human history.

(Sobs of joy can be heard coming from Charles’ chair)

A&M: Well, we’ve disgusted our tens of readers enough for one day. Charles Selrahc, congratulations on being Apples & Moustaches’ Entrepreneur of the Month.

(CS starts to respond, Jericho reaches out a hand to cut him off)

A&M: Please don’t.

Wednesday A&Ms

Apple
For fuck’s sake. I have a whole new appreciation for all of you parents out there reading this blog. Not the grown-up parents with grown-up kids, but the young parents with young kids. Last night we had the pleasure of watching MoHud’s two kids, ages 4 and 2. For fuck’s sake. I don’t know how you people do it. And take into consideration his kids are very well behaved. But man, the amount of attention they need, the constant watching, the ‘uh oh is she gonna take a header right on the edge of that table in a second’ was mind numbing. I’m a walking zombie today. I got two hours of sleep, tops. Any noise and BOOM I was wide awake. Of course we brought Patch thinking ‘he’s small, furry and very amicable. I’m sure he’ll be a great distraction to the kids.’ Little did we know that Patch is kinda a little bitch around kids. He kept looking at us like ‘who are these small people and why must they insist on being so loud?’ Then he’d steal one of their toys and take off with it while they chased him down the hallway. What a little prima donna.



Moustache
KK had a great idea last week. (And yes, that’s the first time I’ve ever written that sentence.) Thanks in part to our delicious photo of Whitney Port adjusting on the beach, we now would like to implement ‘Nip Slip Wednesdays’. So, ladies and gentlemen, Marisa Miller.



Apple
My hands are freezing. I know that a) you don’t care and b) I made this same comment about 3 weeks ago but I just wanted to reiterate the fact. Plus my nose is cold. I need some fingerless gloves, a ‘nana’ sweater and a cup of green tea with a dollop of honey. Man, I’m turning into a woman.



Moustache
My favorite new AA, non-affiliated, minor league baseball team: The Pensacola Pelicans



Apple
We’re hiring! That’s right. In todays down spiraling economy when most companies are reducing the size of their staff, Apples & Moustaches is hiring. We’re looking for a VP of Business Development. Somebody to help guide us into the future by taking this little slice of sunshine we’ve created and bringing it to the masses. While we love all of you tens and tens of readers, it’s time to think globally. Like in those IBM commercials where there’s a box in a warehouse then the box gets bigger and bigger. We need someone to grow our box. Or at least tend to our box and help it smell better. Please send applications to applesandmoustaches@gmail.com.



Moustache
The Scronton vegetarian watch continues. Our original guess was he would last 3 weeks. It’s been almost 5 years now. Scronton, my brother, just sent me an email today asking if I remember how good the burgers were at a local fast food joint. He asked if that constituted a meat craving. I quickly told him, just because you’re thinking about dick doesn’t mean you’re sucking it.





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Yikes

Yikes.

Deep breath.

I got a phone call last night from my mother-in-law. She wanted to let me know that she read my blog. All of it. Seriously. At this point I'm racking my brain thinking of all of the crude, offensive and just bizarre things we've written about. I mean technically this blog is not built for mother-in-laws. I calmly tried to explain that Jericho and I are writing to a specific audience and we don't really want to line up the Jonas brothers for an evening of pop goes the weasel. You see what I did there? I blamed it on all of you fucks. It's you that drives us to write such nonsense.

Ok, is she still looking? No? All clear? Great. Let's get on with the post.


6 observations from the last 72 hours:

1) I'm glad Stephanie, the 34-year-old widow, got a one-on-one date with Jason but let's be honest she's not going to stick around too much longer. She’s really nice but this isn’t about cupcakes and marmalade. It’s about who’s going to look the best standing next to Jason on the cover of US Weekly…am I wrong? I'm impressed he dumped the tall blonde chick. She was nothing more than a banging body. She looked like she'd be awful in bed. Lots of weird whimpering noises and when she finally got on top she'd close her eyes and hum the soundtrack to Notting Hill for inspiration. Just awkward. My pick, Naomi, is banging. I like where I stand. Onward.



2) Last week was Indian week. We saw Slumdog Millionaire (amazing), looked at nude pics of Bollywood actresses (hairy) and went to a new Indian restaurant called Dosa on Fillmore (blowout). Stay tuned, this week is shaping up to be Anglophile week.



3) Give me the Cardinals and the 7 points. Fuck the east coast media. Nobody is giving them a shot. Shock the world is my new motto whenever anyone wants to talk Super Bowl. And you know what? I’m fine with the 2 week wait. I mean honestly, once football is over what do we have left? The NBA? Sweet. I’d rather watch Burn After Reading on repeat. Worst. Movie. Ever.



4) Wade Boggs was a big fat boozer….no really, check it out (Thanks DC)



5) A new Facebook pet peeve of mine…people who only post pictures of themselves doing good deeds. I have one “friend” whose pictures consist of her holding ethnic children, her raking leaves with a giant orange vest on and her in front of some bullshit charity sign with a bunch of her ugly friends. We get it. You’re better than we are. Now please refer to the picture of me clutching a bottle of whisky and deliriously staring down my wife. YES WE CAN!



6) Saturday night we ventured to the suburbs and wound up at a Sushi place for dinner. Talk about the place to be! Ooh wee! A sushi spot in the burbs on a Saturday night goes off like a bar in downtown Baltimore after the Orioles announced their 6 year deal with Nick Markakis. (What the fuck? They gave him Edgar Renteria money.) Without fail, 7 of every 10 women at the Sushi spot had fake tits. That’s not an embellished stat for affect. I went table to table to support my findings. And it wasn’t like fake tits just to add a little giddy up, no, no, these were mammoth hooters and they were ON DISPLAY. Fascinating. I saw some of the sluttiest outfits I’ve ever seen in my life at this restaurant. Who said the burbs are only for perverts and Republicans?


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Ball Diary

Hi there, Jericho’s twins here. Jericho is still on vacation mode so he asked us if we wanted to handle today’s post. Normally we’d say no, we’re a wreck unless we get at least 23 hours of sleep a day, but we’ve had a lot on our mind lately. See, Jericho and Mrs. Royall recently went on a romantic jaunt through Central America and Jericho thought it would be a good idea to completely shave us for the trip. We weren’t opposed to the idea at first, but then it got weird, our hair grew back unevenly and we just wanted to get back to being happy and hairy.

We imagine that the tens of you reading this might be thinking about beautifying your pair, or maybe you already do, but have you actually stopped to consider what your beanbag thinks of this? What about our feelings?!

We kept a diary during of our recent balding experience so you can see first hand how each step of this process affects us. Maybe this will deter you maybe it won’t, but fuck it, Jericho said we could write today’s post and this is what you’re getting.

Day 1
We’re huge! This feels incredible! Other than being stuck to a leg 90% of the time, this is amazing! We’ll destroy Mrs. Royall. In fact, we’ll take on anyone in the room. Hey, lady getting water, want to drink something really delicious? Hey, UPS lady, forget brown, want to see what balls can do for you? Hey 9 yr old boys playing hacky sack, want to feel something even softer on the back of your neck?

Day 3
Fuck, we’re itchy. We’ve heard of chin stubble, but ball stubble? We look like a couple of little George Clooneys.

Day 6
Man, what’s wrong with our hair? Why is it growing back so sporadically? We look like fat babies. And not the good-looking c-section babies either; but big, disheveled, for-the-love-of-God-put-a-tit-in-our-mouths babies.

Day 8
This is starting to feel a bit better, but why is there a bald patch towards the lower left half? We’ve got a serious nuthawk going right now. Is it all going to come back? We’re half afro, half bald spot, we look like Donovan McNabb.

Day 12
Thank God. Furry and friendly. We look Abe Vigoda’s eyebrows and that’s how we like it.

Heads up...

Heads up.

This post is coming out sideways like a mid-morning shit after a breakfast of All-Bran, turkey bacon and a Grande Macchiato with extra foam.

Thoughts on….



Super Bowl Pick
What's funny is that there isn't really a dominant team left - every single one has a flaw in some way. With that said, I can't see Flacco winning on the road in the AFC Championship and I think Donovan is about to have the ultimate "he just crapped himself" of he just crapped himself games - I like AZ and PITT.



Kate Winslett
Kate Winslett is the kinda cute, kinda heavy, really dirty chick from History class that promises you a hummer in the parking lot if you talk to her at lunch time when everyone is watching. And you have to weigh the choice carefully. It’s like a “choose your own adventure.” Do you deal with the questions from friends about ‘why were you hanging out with her’ in exchange for a quick BJ? Or do you save face and jerk off when you get home. That has nothing to do with Kate Winslett. But I bet she gives a great blow job.



The scratch on my forehead
No idea how it got here. None. I woke up this morning with a 2-inch scratch right across my dome. Was I sleeping aggressively? Was it a hate crime from Patch when I wasn’t looking? Is my wife into some really kinky shit and I didn’t realize it? These are the questions that will baffle me all day long.



Whitney from The Hills’ Nip Slip
God bless America.



The autographed Larry Fitzgerald authentic jersey that just arrived at my desk
Yes. You read that right. And 14-year-old Magglio has a massive boner right now. I want to put this jersey on so badly right now. I want to challenge my co-workers to run into me full speed. I want to set up an agility test in the hallway using chairs and conference tables and I want to post everyone’s times in the break room so we can see where people stand. That’s what I want to do. I want to go get my football from home and have Jericho throw me post routes in the park till I cramp up because I’m not 16 years old anymore. That’s exactly what I want to do. Unfortunately, it’s not for me. I have to send it elsewhere. But for the next 15 minutes it will sit on my desk, I will sniff the authentic Reebok stitching, and I will day dream.



Jericho’s lack of posting
Ok, I’ll give him a break. He’s been away for almost 3 weeks so obviously he’s buried in emails and bullshit at work. But come on, enough is enough. Did you know he still hasn’t read the posts from when he was gone? I know. I can’t believe it either. Remember how ridiculously ridiculous I’ve been? I know, I know. No, stop it….no, go on. Whatever. He contributed the first one on here about the Super Bowl. And then said he was too busy for anything else. I'm expecting a fantastic Oscar preview soon. A&M may be accepting applications soon. Times are tough. Stay tuned.





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Today is a good day

10 reasons to be happy this Monday afternoon….


1) Because Jericho is back. For fuck’s sake that was painful. More painful then what it must be like for Tony Parker to have sex with Eva Longoria, “Do it baby. Do it. Make love to me. We’re making love. We’re doing it. We’re making love now baby. This is making love. We are in love and we are making love. This is us doing love. This is us love doing each other. Who’s my baby? Who’s my baby?”


2) Because my little brother, on his first ever weekend betting on football, put 5 bucks down on a 4 team money line parlay and correctly picked the Ravens, Cardinals, Eagles and Steelers. Not with points mind you, he picked outright winners. The odds were 40-1 and he got $200 back. Incredible. As for me? I lost every single bet I placed this weekend.


3) Because Jericho being back means we’ll get an honest to goodness Oscar preview. My biggest question is where have all the fun movies gone? Every movie out right now is about love lost, or World War 2 or losing your loved ones in World War 2. I could use a dose of Rosie O’Donnell right now. That big bitch always makes me laugh.


4) Because Lil’ Joshy is on Facebook which means I get to keep tabs on what he’s up to from a safe distance. Remember, this is the guy who spent 2 weeks last summer reading up on male lactation in hopes of one day being able to nourish his cat, Trabek. He kept reasoning that he wanted to try and give back the love that his cat gives him.


5) Because pitchers and catchers report in just 32 days!


6) Because today is Monday which means The Bachelor is on tonight. In my betting league I got the 3rd overall pick and took Naomi. I’m feeling good about my choice. She looks the most like DeAnna and we know that he’s into that sorta thing. It also means we’ll get to see Nikki and her major yabbos flopping around. Decent.


7) Because last night at the Golden Globes, neither Angelina Jolie or Brad Pitt won a thing. Because Tracy Morgan is a funny motherfucker. Because Drew Barrymore’s hair looked so stupid. Because Leonardo DiCaprio is banging Kate Winslet and everyone knows it even Sam Mendes. Because J-Lo tried to wear another “J-Lo” dress and then everyone realized she’s a mom of twins and that was like 10 years ago and at the end of you were left asking yourself “why is J-Lo trying to wear another ‘J-Lo’ dress?”


8) Because Peyton and Eli are not only out of the playoffs but they’re about to get smoked by Venus and Serena in the Double Stuffed Racing League. The Williams sisters are giving 4.5 points. Take the points and the over. Trust me on this one.


9) Because Rock of Love was on last night and Bret Michaels kept the sloppy Brazilian chick (pictured) around. She’s what would happen if Manny Ramirez, Winnie from the Wonder Years and a bottle of Patron made a baby. Also, the chick who looks like a dude really cleaned up for the final scene and you know what? She’s kinda hot. This show is the biggest and best train wreck on television. Without question. The most unsurprising part which always seems to surprise me is how turned on I am by the time the show is over. So nobody call me Sunday night around 10. I’m busy. Just saying.


10) Because I just remembered that Tahoe Santa and Treek owe me money which means my gambling addiction will live another day. Yes. My account is currently at $0. Mama needs some juice.


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