Word association....

a game we like to play, by Magglio and Jericho

Jenna Bush is getting married on May 10th
I sent this link to my father-in-law and said "…reminds me a bit of me and you. Except you're not a fascist asshole and your daughter is way cooler."


Greg Oden practicing with the Blazers
This is going to get interesting. The Blazers are playing out of their heads right now without the 7-foot Neanderthal. What’s it going to be like when he returns? I’m thinking something like when Emily Valentine returned to 90210. Not her initial stay there, but when she came back and went psycho. Don’t be surprised if Oden comes back with a totally dikey bleach blonde haircut and tries to light Brandon Roy’s house on fire. This is gonna be totally sweet.


Billy Crystal Playing for the Yankees:
Living the dream. Like when Garth Brooks got to play with the Padres in spring camp a few years back. This is what I want to do when I grow up and am worth millions. That or buy a whole bunch of lottery ticket scratchers and triple my money. Easy money, I tell ya, easy money.


Being famous in America:
God bless America. There are essentially 3 ways to get famous in this here country of ours. 1) Sleep with a high profiled politician then parlay the media exposure into a Playboy spread, a spin on the late night talk show circuit and then ultimately wind up face-to-face with Dr. Phil. 2) Live in LA, dress fabulously, have an attitude/opinion about everything, start a blog (sweet!) do a ton of blow, get photographed with other people just like you, go to rehab, announce yourself cured, do an exclusive interview with US Weekly, adopt a dog, adopt a child, join the Kabbalah/Scientology/Green movement, sleep with Paris Hilton, overdose and repeat. 3) Go on American Idol.


People who leave anonymous comments on our blog:
You can run and you can hide but there's only 7 people reading so we'll find you eventually.


Easter is coming up
For lent this year I gave up giving up stuff. It's been a pretty wild month but oddly exactly like every other month. Hmmm...


Leatherheads
Renee Zelwegger is the most overrated actress on the planet. I can't believe that she won an Oscar for Cold Mountain one of the defining, “what the fuck were they thinking” moments along with Eddie Murphy deciding to sing or Meat Loaf trying to act. And, other than John Stamos' alien belly button, Renee's “I just sucked on a lemon” pucker is my least favorite celebrity characteristic.

On another note, I'm not expecting much from this movie for one simple reason; it’s a throwback to the screwball comedies of the 40’s and 50’s. Now, I love old movies as much as the next guy, but if there’s one thing I’d say about that period of film it's that the thrillers still hold up but the comedies definitely don't. They’re just not funny anymore. I get why Clooney wanted to make this, “I really am Cary Grant! Look!” But I bet this movie falls flat, very flat.


Veggie Burgers:
Let me tell you something, this is an underserved market. Every single option you have for a veggie burger whether it’s in a nicer restaurant, a burger joint or a supermarket..is frozen. You may not eat veggie burgers but think of how insulting this is. Could you imagine if your only options for real hamburgers were frozen patties? Where are the fresh made veggie burger patties? I’m speaking some sense here. I’m this close to quitting my job and dedicating my life to making fresh veggie burgers, mass marketing them and spreading the good word of meatless burgers to the world. I’m telling you friends, this is lightening in a bottle.


The new Governor of NY is blind
I don't have a problem with this except for the fact that it completely negates the chance of another "amazingly hot" hooker scandals. Unless of course the Emperor's Club figures out how to put Braille on their site.


Jennifer Aniston was filming scenes in Seattle’s Pike Place Market yesterday
I wonder if they filmed a forced, incredibly awkward segment where she tries to catch a fish or do they just do that for the halftime shows of sports events?


The Houston Rockets have won 20 games in a row:
Zero. As in the number of playoff series that Tracy McGrady has won. That's the only number that matters right now. Not how tall Yao is, not how much Shane Battier spends getting his vagina hair waxed into a cool looking mustache like Billy Dee Williams in Empire Strikes Back, not the overall record of Rick Adelman. 0. Zero fucking playoff series. They're hot, but I don't see anything that makes me believe Tracy's streak will end.

Spitzer's Hooker

Here is what $4,700 will get you these days...thoughts?





*thanks Uncle Icee/MoHud

Apples and Moustaches

by Magglio and Jericho

Apple
Trent Green just signed a 3-year deal with the Rams. Um, wait a minute. Am I missing something? Isn't this the Trent Green who got knocked out of the NFL last season because of too many concussions? The same Trent Green who needs his a bib to eat because of too many pile drives from D-Lineman? Why would anyone pay this guy one more cent? Jonathan Papelbon makes only $900,000 a year and the Rams give Trent Green $9M including a $2.1M signing bonus? Somebody explain something to me. Please.

Moustache
I think we need a little more information before we crucify Eliot Spitzer over his rendezvous with a prostitute. First of all, how hot is she? How much did she charge and how did he tip? Was she a dancer that needed money or a crazy nympho that just needs the action? Did they do any kind or role-play? Was is it just straightforward sex or did it get nasty? Did she ever say anything crazy like “I bet your wife can’t take it up her ass, can she?” I want to know this shit before I hang this guy in the town square. (What does this have to do with his innocence? Nothing. But it’s not often you can read about porn and pretend to be working at the same time. So let’s go CNN.com, describe how she liked to be elbowed.)

Apple
The Giants have the worst exhibition record in the MLB to date. Barry Zito got shelled again yesterday. Tim Lincecum has a pulled groin. Omar Vizquel is out another 4 weeks. Noah Lowery just had surgery and somewhere Marvin Benard is having his over active hemorrhoids massaged by a one-eyed tranny. Kinda makes you miss the days of BALCO and HGH being the biggest problem in Giants camp doesn’t it?

Moustache
A new study shows that one in four teenage girls in the US has a sexually transmitted disease. That’s 25%! So if there are 1,000 girls at a high school then 250 of them have an STD. Man, remember how innocent teen sex used to be? You watch movies like Sixteen Candles or Say Anything and everyone is horny but confused and endearingly awkward. Now it’s like one enormous leper colony. I think we’re six months away from a 15 yr old boy shyly pulling his dick out and then bursting into flames. Doesn’t it seem like every generation gets a little more fucked up? Our grandkids will probably get STDs from fantasizing. “Were you thinking about pussy last night?! Damn it, don’t you know how dangerous that is!”

Apple
Two Vermont towns are voting to have Bush and Cheney arrested on charges of war crimes. Ben & Jerry’s, Phish and now this. Damn it I love Vermont.

Moustache
I’m sorry Clay Aiken but Patrick Dempsey has officially taken your title of biggest pussy in America based on the trailer for “Made of Honor.” You really have to watch this to believe it. It starts out like your basic cookie cutter fucking retarded romantic comedy but then at the 1:30 mark, something absolutely unworldly happens. I don’t know the right word for this, but let me put it this way: forget everything you know about pussy movies and the pussy men who star in them. This has absolutely redefined what is possible. Actually, what am I talking about? Don’t watch it, whatever you do, don’t watch it. Can we have some kind of man intervention with Patrick Dempsey? You know, the kind where we beat him with baseball bats?

Apple
The nationwide Tyler Hansborough handjob continues its assault on America. And if you think this is bad just wait till tourney time. We’re going to be watching the selection show Sunday and before each team is announced Billy Packard will compliment Hansborourgh. “Now let’s move to the West bracket. The number one seed out West goes to a team whose testicles are half the size of Tyler Hansborough’s. That team is UCLA.”

Moustache
How incredible is Day Light’s Savings? It’s only March and already it’s staying light out until 7:30. It makes you realize how dreary and depressing winter is. Spring forward is like jerking off with the other hand, getting a brand new pair of running shoes, putting on a doctor’s outfit and then giving a junior high baseball team their physicals or having a girl tell you, “man, you fuck like an elephant” – the whole world just feels fresh and new again.

Apple
Stay with me on this one…Benji Madden, the fat twin brother from Good Charlotte is dating Paris Hilton. Not to be confused with his brother Joel who is dating and knocked up Nicole Richie. This has to be the ultimate ‘anything you can do I can do better’ move on Paris’ part. I mean, she doesn’t actually like this fat fuck does she? Or is this just some gigantic marketing ploy on Fox’s part for next season’s follow up to the Simple Life series entitled “The Simple Life: Fucking Fat Twins”

Yes...It's Monday!

Ah Monday. Nobody ever likes Mondays. When I was 7 I had a poster in my room of a basset hound with a thought bubble reading “I hate Mondays.” Now that I look back that seems a bit counter productive to a 7-year-old’s psyche. I mean, I was conditioned at a young age to live for the weekends and despise the hamster wheel that is the work week. So, to try and lighten the 5 day doom that lies ahead of us, here is a list of things to look forward to this week:

Monday, March 10:

Heidi Montag is on the Regis and Kathy Lee show
…or whatever they call it these days. Let me clarify my fascination/obsession with Heidi Montag. She sucks. I don’t want to hear her talk anymore unless it’s within the 30 magical minutes on MTV that are The Hills. I don’t want to see her face on the cover of any magazines unless they also show her ample knuck knucks. I like The Hills. I will admit that much. I like it because it disgusts me and fascinates me all at the same time. Like most shows on MTV. I like looking at Heidi in a bikini because she’s fake and hot. But it ends there. You couldn’t pay me to watch another second of Heidi singing or Heidi and Spencer talking about their feelings for each other. Thank you. I feel much better getting that off my chest.

WCC Championship: Gonzaga vs. San Diego (ESPN, 9 p.m.)
San Diego has a chance to sneak in to the tourney and Gonzaga has a chance to get their skinny, knobby kneed, all-white team in the tourney who will inevitable lose before reaching the Sweet 16. I can’t wait!

Tuesday, March 11:

Raven Symone (yes, that Raven Symone!) is on the Ellen show.
Holy shit. Set your Tivo’s now. She’s gonna do something so craaaazy. I’m sure of it. Hollaback girl.

Biggest Loser:
Another fat person is going home. Ah freedom. Free to roam the buffet tables at their leisure and escape the torturous 3 hour work outs that for some reason always end in tears and man hugging. On a side note this is the closest you can get on NBC to seeing real tits. Sure, the tits are on a guy named Jay, but they’re full blown tits. He’s at least a C cup.

Horizon League Championship: Cleveland State vs. Butler (ESPN, 9 p.m.)
Resident ass clown KK tells us that “one of these teams are going to make some noise in the dance.” I believe him. He won our NCAA pool last year. And he says he used to be able to dunk when he was in high school. That’s enough of a tip for me. I’m picking Cleveland to be this year’s Witchita State.

Wednesday, March 12:

Oregon State vs. Washington State – Round 1 of the Pac-10 tourney. Why did we highlight this game specifically? Because not only does OSU have the opportunity to go through the entire Pac-10 without a victory (0-18!) but the Washington State Cougars is lined up to do what they do best, ‘Coug it’. For those of you not familiar with ‘Couging it’ it’s what happens when you have the perfect opportunity and you just fuck it up because that’s who you are. Like George W, Doc Rivers or Chris Webber. Ouch.

Road Rules/Real World, Gauntlet 3
The madness continues! Actually, no it doesn’t. This season blows. The veterans are far and away better, stronger and faster than the rookies. Now Casey has gone home, which sucks, because she was the hottest on the show. So now we’re left to wait for the camera to catch glimpses of sweaty Robin or fantasize about the lesbian Evelyn. Who is totally sexy, don’t get me wrong. In the same lesbian way the trainer on Biggest Loser is hot. Like, I know she could hurt me, but a good hurt. Like the feeling in my stomach after eating an Awesome Blossom at Chili’s.

Thursday, March 13:

Spring week for college football
Practice kicks off this week for schools across the country. For Washington, it means finding who’s going to step up and support Jake Locker, the best college football player in the nation. For Cal, it’s a chance for everyone to second guess everything Coach Tedford says because he is clearly steering this shit show straight into the ground. Enjoy life in the Pac-10 cellar Cal. You should remember it well. Think back to the late 80s and all of the 90s.

Radiohead and NIN expected to head up Lollapalooza
What does this have to do with Thursday? Nothing. But I just found this and thought it looks pretty cool. Any chance they’re gonna play at the Greek Theatre again?

Friday, March 14:

It’s National Sploshing Day.
Go on and celebrate with your favorite sex partner and your favorite food. Some fun combinations to consider: the chick in accounting and a custard pie. The sexy veterinarian with 80s hair and a Mighty Man TV dinner. Or, if you’re really daring, your overweight bus driver and a bag of airplane peanuts.

It's Friday, where the 40 at?

We’ve received more than a few emails from people saying ‘hey, I can’t be looking at your site at work’ or ‘whoa, I can’t have that pic up when my girl walks by.’ Well fair warning. Sometimes we post pictures that aren’t necessarily wholesome. Sometimes we say the “f-word”. And if Jericho’s posting, sometimes it’s far worse than that. (He’s a sinner, FYI.)

We’ve also heard from a few concerned readers about our state of mind and if a line such as ‘I feel like head butting everyone at work today’ means we are unhappy. Or, posts such as Wednesday’s therapeutic ‘fuck you’ post means we are angry at the world. Well, I’m here to set the record straight. We are not angry people. We like puppy dogs and ice cream. We enjoy Charlotte’s Web (both the movie and the novel), we enjoy a rousing round of Balderdash with friends and we enjoy any romantic comedy with Brianna Banks. (Please note we don’t enjoy these activities together because that would be gay. And, we’re not gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)

So thank you for your concerns. We appreciate our readers being worried about us. But please take it all with a grain of salt.

And, as always, we’re here for you: magglioandjericho@hotmail.com

Special thanks to KK, our resident historian, fact checker and pervert, for today's amazing photos. Well done KK, well done.



....

Apples and Moustaches - Thursday

Apple
The word gorgonzola could be an onomatopoeia for puking. “Dude, that didn’t sit right. I think I’m about to gorgonzola.”

Moustache
Aaron Rodgers will go in the 8^th round in upcoming Fantasy Drafts. As much as I like Rodgers and want to see him succeed, I doubt he’ll keep his starting job for the entire season. (why do I have this sick feeling that statement will come back to bite me someday?)

Apple
You know what? Fuck Mixt Greens, the overprice, overhyped, salad spot near my office. It’s a fucking crap shoot with what you’ll get. You wait in line for 15 minutes hoping and praying you get one of the ‘good’ salad mixers (or salad tossers). If you do, your $12 salad will be plentiful. If you don’t, you’ve just spent a fist full of cash on a few green leafs, caramelized onions and goat cheese. Stingy bitches.

Moustache
I never wanted to have a blog where all I do is bitch, so for the rest of this post I’m only going to have positive statements and/or observations.

Apple
I’m glad Christian won the Project Runway finale last night. That little dude is talented. If I was a 6-foot, 90 pound chick I would totally wear his stuff. But I’m not. So I’ll stick with L.L. Bean and Stussy.

Moustache
You know who has one of the weakest jobs in America? The athletic director of a high school, that’s who. I went to a high school playoff game this past weekend and the athletic director had to stand next to the rabid student section the whole time with his arms crossed looking disappointed in his students at all times. Like a dooshbag. Just standing there. Shaking his head. Hey! Lighten up asshole. Let the kids have some fun. Could you imagine having to be that guy? The kids all make fun of you, you can’t sit in the stands and enjoy the game and at home your family knows they could all kick your ass.I don’t actually know if that last part is true but the image of a bunch of 7 and 8-year olds pummeling their wussy dad is kinda funny. “Who’s your daddy now bitch? “

Apple
The new chick at work totally just sabotaged me. We all share a bathroom here at work. That’s 12 of us and one lone shitter. So she just exited and I asked the now socially acceptable question of ‘all good in there?’ She replied ‘yes’. Let me just say, it absolutely was NOT all good in there. She either a) has a faulty memory and forgot that she just unloaded b) has a sick fetish about that sort of thing and wanted me to smell what she’s working with c) truly believed her shit don’t stink or d)…I don’t know. What's going on? I thought girls don't poop.

Side note: The fat guy from finance just went in there. Stay clear for the next 35-45 minutes.

Moustache:
Having a dog means talking to complete strangers on the street. My dishwasher is quite possibly the loudest dishwasher in the universe. I heard Baron Davis and Steven Jackson were partying at The Matrix in the Marina following their win over Portland a few nights back. The taco truck near my office has posted a health inspector rating of 100…is that possible? I sent our blog link to Bruce Jenkins a columnist at the Chronicle yesterday…4% chance he reads it. I had a turkey sandwich on Saturday, my first piece of meat in 2008. Olives and sun dried tomatoes can ruin a perfectly good meal. For the third consecutive year I’ll be out of town when Dave Matthews comes to perform. Everyone says the Sharks may win the Stanley Cup this year and I could care less. Jericho is devastated about the news of Dungeons & Dragons founder Gary Gygaz passing away. He’s taking the day off of work today to gather his thoughts. Our thoughts are with Jericho and the entire Gygaz family.

Fuck You!

- by Magglio and Jericho

*Fuck you, Mariah Carey, for tricking me into falling in love with you in sixth grade and then becoming the biggest whore on earth. I thought we had something special. Now you’re so played out Jermaine Dupri won’t even fuck you anymore and he’s three feet tall and looks like Omar Epps’ retarded younger brother. Do you remember “Someday”? Well, I wish I didn’t. Fuck you.

*Fuck you baseball. Forget the fact that you’re a soulless, corrupt sport. You are so fucking booooooring. You involve no strategy, take too fucking long and are about as interesting as watching slugs fuck. I hate you sooooo much.

*Fuck you Jeircho for hating baseball. It’s the great American pastime, what now you don’t like America? Who are you Bill O’Reilly? There is nothing better than having the game on the radio or on TV in the background, it’s comforting with it’s ‘no-clock’ zen-like perfection. Fuck you Jericho. I never liked you anyways.

*Fuck you guy in the stall next to me who had explosive diarrhea this morning. It doesn’t matter how good the article is; a Kiper Mock draft, a Simmons Mail Bag, a Summer Movie preview; a 6,000 word LinceCain blowjob by Magglio; nothing and I mean nothing can overcome the guy in the stall next to you sloppily dropping one of his intestines into the bowl. That’ll ruin a great trip to the john 10 times out of 10. Fuck you guy.

*Fuck you, Dierks Bentley. I’m being forced to write about you today and just found this picture. Sweet mop, dude! You look like Uncle Joey from Full House’s gay brother.

*Fuck you neighbor who just moved in above me from somewhere in Canada. Welcome to the big city. People make noise. I don’t give a shit if you’re studying for some test you squatty, dumpy, ass-clown. Go to a fucking library. This is my home. And if I want to watch TV I’m going to. Fool.

*Fuck you ‘kissing suzy kolber’. You guys really aren’t that funny. And sweet, you have 10 writers so you can post 4 times a day. I hope you spill Diet Mountain Dew on your keyboards. All of them!

*Fuck you Miss L for falling off the blog train. You’ve got one more chance before we officially revoke our sponsorship.

*Fuck you Patch, my one-eyed dog for tearing apart our house and costing us thousands in medical bills…what am I saying? I can’t hate you. You’re my little cupcake. Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy?

*Fuck you, anyone named Tito. What a stupid name. It sounds like a new Doritos flavor. “New Titos Doritos”. I bet they even come in an untraditional shape like square or round. Nobody wants anything but triangle Titos Doritos ! Do I make myself clear?

*Fuck you Brett Favre for not 100% closing the door and leaving the possibility open that you may still play. As we said earlier. JUST DIE ALREADY!

*Fuck you LOL, TBC, IMHO, IAWTC, DOS, POV, WTF, J, BRB and ;).

*Fuck you Colfax High School for beating Menlo last night in the CIF Northern California Division IV playoffs. You were clearly the better team but I didn’t drive an hour and a half in traffic last night to see you play shut down defense and consistently out rebound the Knights. (side note: it is not normally A&M’s practice to say ‘fuck you’ to high school kids. But it’s the playoffs. So fuck you.)

*Fuck you Ohio and Texas. Get a fucking clue. There's a reason the rest of the nation makes fun of all of you. And you just proved it. (Apologies to MoHud and Uncle Icee. Nah, you know what? Fuck you guys too)

*Fuck you any sportswriter who refers to Favre as a gunslinger and then later says “with two minutes on the clock there’s no one else you want with the ball in their hands.” Those two things are a total contradiction. That’s like calling Natalie Portman an unbelievable prude but then later saying if you could only one get one more blowjob there’s no one else you’d rather see with your dick in her hands.

*Fuck you homeless guy who screamed at me “Fuck yourself! You don’t rule the city! The homeless is the rulers of the city!” The dangerous, pissing on a post, cracked out molester thing I can handle. But your grammar is horrendous. Clean it up!

*Fuck you Apples and Moustaches. Yeah, that’s right, fuck you, Magglio and fuck you, me. This blog was supposed to be just a way to fuck around and waste time. I didn’t know that we’d acquire tens of rabid fans who check the site monthly. We’ve been getting almost 50 hits a day, 50! Next thing you know people will be reading whole columns, commenting, maybe even emailing! Too much pressure, fuck you A&M.

*Fuck you ‘Fuck you Post’. You made me say terrible things about my dog Patch. It’s just for fun Patch. Who wants a tickle? Who wants a tickle?