Bearded Hatchet Wound

By Magglio and Jericho

Apple

The Raiders should give the ball to McFadden 50 times a game. White safeties are not as cool as white running backs but are infinitely cooler than white wide receivers. Carolina is to backdoor covers as a Kardashian is to endorsing a product. Automatic.

Moustache
You know Apple's tagline: if you don't have an iPhone…well, you don't have an iPhone. Let me just say this: if you're standing in line at an Apple store right now…well, you're standing in line at an Apple store right now.


Apple
Fine, I'll be the one to say what we're all thinking: Casey Anthony and Amanda Knox should star in a porn called Bearded Hatchet Wound. Why would it be called that? Why wouldn't it be called that?


Moustache
If there was a button to push, so every time a preview for Whitney came on, it caused her to immediately stop talking, start stripping and for the boyfriend character to magically disappear never to be seen again. Then I would definitely push that button.


Apple
Want to know the one saving grace about being 0-4 in fantasy? You can see hand sanitizer on the counter. Wait, sorry, I screwed up the intro. Want to know the one saving grace about getting fingered by a high school football team?


Moustache
I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess that, even when presented him with this miraculous opportunity, Bruno Mars wouldn't change a fucking thing about that dumb cunt's stupid fucking face. It's goddamn fucking perfection. He'll also take a fucking grenade for that bitch. But then again, he's lazy and doesn't even want to get out of his goddamn fucking bed. In other news, I think Pandora's trying to kill me. I have a Van Morrison channel and a Stevie Wonder channel, Bruno gave them both herpes. Or maybe clicking thumbs down isn't strong enough. Maybe I should round house my monitor like some fucked up Chuck Norris movie.




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Chubby bitches love me

By Magglio and Jericho


Apple
The single greatest shirt to wear to a frat party would say, "chubby bitches love me." That would be a massive success on all levels. These are the things you think of when you're baby is screaming at 3am.


Moustache
There’s Lady Gaga’s alter ego weak, there’s Justin Bieber’s wardrobe weak, then there’s Kris Humphries weak. I mean this dude has entered an entirely new realm of pussydom. Sure, he’s putting it to Kim Kardashian but at what cost? Every minute of their silly relationship is in front of cameras and even worse there’s a picture of her feeding him an apple in this month’s US Weekly. An apple. Seriously. She’s feeding him. Remember when cameras caught Cameron Diaz feeding A-Rod? At least he’s A-Rod. Who the fuck is this guy?


Apple
I’m addicted to reading the comments on cnn.com stories even though they are written by the dumbest humans on the planet. If anything, the comments are predictable. There’s always the bible thumper, the bigot, the sarcastic guy, the over sharer and the spell checker. You can get lost in the comments section. Be careful.


Moustache
You know who's an underrated douche? Jim Irsay, the owner of the Colts. Spend three minutes scrolling down his Twitter feed, you'll be amazed that a guy worth a billion dollars can be such a fuck knuckle. Look at the picture, look at the diction in his Tweets, then think about how much money this guy has. Anyone else want to stab themselves in the forehead? http://twitter.com/#!/jimirsay

Apple
Craziest spread this week: Niners -5.5 vs. Seattle
Easiest spread this week: Atlanta -3 at Chicago


Moustache
Do you think at family get togethers Lamar Odom pretends to not know who Kris Humphries is? Do you think Lamar shines up his rings and then makes Humphries carry his bags? Do you think in 2 seasons when Humphries is out of a job and Kim dumps him he’ll ask for the tiara she wore during the wedding in the settlement. Pussy.



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At 25...

By Magglio and Jericho...


At 25 I was only interesting in nailing the ditzy blonde. Today I just ask my wife to role play the ditzy blonde. Like Luda said "we want a lady in the streets but a freak in the bed."


At 25 my wardrobe consisted largely of Snoop Dogg Clothing and Wu-Wear. Today it’s more about button down shirts and form fitting jeans. Don’t think I lost my street edge though. I’ll still blast a muthafucka.


At 25 I jerked off at least twice a day. Today, well, I still jerk off at least twice a day. I just have someone to help me out.


At 25 I used to smoke weed and do stuff. Clean my apartment; pay bills; grocery shop; go to the gym; organize my closet. Today if i get high I can barely perform my basic functions as a mammal. "I don't want to breathe right now, too fucking tired."


At 25 I started Rudi Johnson and LaMont Jordan at running back for my fantasy team. This year I’m hoping to start Jamal Charles and Ryan Williams.


At 25 I thought Jack White was a prophet sent from above. Today, I’m even more certain of his immortality.


At 25 I ate at Taco Bell on average 3 times a week. Today, I can’t remember the last time I went to a Taco Bell. I’m assuming their sales have plummeted since I opted out of their Grade D meat.


At 25 I took orders. Today I give them. Booyah.


At 25 I drank Captain Morgan’s with Diet Coke. Today I drink High West on the rocks.


At 25 I wondered if the Giants would ever win it all. Today I wonder if I’ll ever stop smiling/bragging/dancing/shit talking after last season’s incredible run.


At 25...I liked a finger in the butt. Not in a gay way, in a "I heard this makes blow jobs even more awesome" way. And it did. For a while. Eventually though, you have that moment when you realize, "Jesus Christ, there's a finger in my butt right now.” Sure, it's kinda awesome, but there's a fucking finger in my butt." 25 years old. What a place. Anyway, I like three fingers in there now.



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Hooked on Pussy Phonics

By Jericho -

Do you ever stop and think about how many pussies there are in the world? There are more than 3.4 billion women on the planet, that's a big fucking plate of pussy. How much does a pussy weigh? 2 pounds? 5 pounds? There could be as much as 17 billion pounds of fucking pussy on this planet! That's incredible! How big is a pussy? 3 inches tall by an inch wide? Is that even the right measurement? Do doctors measure pussy circumference? Pussy diameter? Does Pi factor into Cherry Pie? How am I supposed to think of measurement terms to keep this joke going when there are 10 billion fucking inches of pussy out there? Do you realize that if you stacked every pussy on top of each other, you'd have enough pussy to get to the moon and back! Space Pussy! One small step - Space Pussy! How are we supposed to just work, and walk, and eat - Space Pussy!

I know this is futile, but let's take a step back from the pussy population and think about a few other things that make life on this planet fucking awesome. Here's a few from my list: the NFL, the Box Office and the Kindle. I fucking love all three of these things.

What's more amazing: that Peyton and Brady have already thrown for a combined 89,572 yards or the fact that their yardage total is the equivalent of more than 1 million pussies? How much better did the Peyton v. Brady debate just get? Great game from Brady today: 24/33, 4,208 pussies and three touchdowns.

The Harry Potter franchise just passed Star Wars as the most lucrative franchise in history with more than $7.3 billion in worldwide gross. $7.3 billion fucking dollars! That means there twice as many ducats in Harry Potter's vault than pussies on earth. That's an unworldly dollar to pussy ratio.

Do you realize that if every pussy on the planet had the power of speech, and we assigned one word per pussy, those pussies could read War and Peace 62,000 times? That's some literary fucking pussy! I tried to read War and Peace once. I lasted for about 12 pages. Fucking Russian literature; long meandering sentences, desolate atmospheres, bad sausages around a dwindling fire. Fuck that noise. But you take that bleak fucking depressing bullshit and have it coming out of a pussy? Sign me the fuck up. Hooked on pussy phonics.

Fucking amazing isn't it? All these goddamn pussies. If you created an infographic charting all of these pussy facts then you'd be a gigantic fucking dildo because infographics are for cunts and fucktards. Look! This is what the Internet really looks like! This is what the tip of my dick really looks like. Here's an idea, all the cunts and fucktards that spend hours making dumb infographics about shoe sizes getting smaller and vegetable oil - Space Pussy!



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Damn you's a sexy fish

Apple
Netflix loves me. They make a killing from people like me. I’ve had ‘Into the Wild’ for 3 weeks now. Just sitting next to the TV like the fat girl at the bunny ranch hoping someone picks her for the evening. I’ll probably send it back. It says it’s 2 and a half hours long, I’ve already read the book, and I don’t think I can watch Emile Hersch’s stupid face for that long. Plus watching movies about anorexia just makes me hungry.


Moustache
The cover of Details magazine this month has a picture of Shia LaBeouf with the headline ‘Hollywood’s Last Bad Boy’. I’ve tried to finish this sentence 10 times with a joke. But nothing worked. Finally Jericho pointed out that the first sentence is the joke. So there you have it.


Apple
I want Laurel and CT to procreate. If only so that they create a super RR/RW Challenge baby. They could name it Aldon Rachel Lavin. Somewhere a mad scientist is focused solely on creating a super RW/RR competitor. I can’t see how this isn’t possible.


Moustache
One of my favorite jokes is doing the scissor motion when talking about two chicks. It’s just perfect. It beats the jerk off motion when you don’t care. And it narrowly beats the two handed underhand cup and lift at the chest motion. What it doesn’t beat is the two handed, make a V with your fingers and connect with a friend doing the same…then peep through the hole. You know what I’m talking about. And if you don’t then please stop reading this blog.


Apple
Remember this? Respect.




Oh yeah, follow us on Twitter @rickreilyisgay. We don’t do much. But it’ll make us feel cool if you follow us.

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The Franchise on Showtime

By Magglio


We get accused of being homers on this site a lot. And it’s a totally fair accusation. We love our teams. We love the west coast above and beyond all else. It’s just the way we do things. That being said, you can appreciate it when I say that the Showtime series premiere of ‘The Franchise: A season with the SF Giants’ was a complete failure.

Where to begin? The bar has been set so high for reality sports shows. HBO has been doing the Hard Knocks series on and off for the past 10 years. And recently they’ve excelled in the 24/7 series. HBO does this better than anyone. They create meaningful stories and insightful glimpses into a world the audience knows little about. They could cover a competitive gardening league and it would be better than what I saw last night. So needless to say when Showtime announced it had partnered with the Giants for an “all access look” throughout the season I was instantly turned on. To put it in perspective I signed up for Showtime the moment I heard about the show. That was 3 months ago and I haven’t watched anything on Showtime yet. Until last night.

Man, what a train wreck. Admittedly, they bit off more than they could chew by trying to recap the first 80 games of the season in a 60 minute time frame. But the problem is hardly any of the footage felt new or different. There were countless ‘interviews’ with players with standard cliché quotes that went nowhere. Great opportunities were missed. Every home series the Giants top brass (Bochy, Sabean, Baer and Neukom) get together to assess the current state of the team. They showed this meeting a handful of times and NOTHING important was said. I mean they all sat there like semi-interested fans wondering when the guy with the lemonades was coming around again.

How could Showtime mess this up so badly? And when the show did try to dig deeper it missed badly. Cameras followed Jeremy Affeldt driving home. Packing for a road trip. Eating a ham and cheese. It was painful. And so disappointing. The show missed another huge opportunity with Buster Posey. The parts about him were basically him sitting on a couch with a big cast on his leg talking about how it’s hard to not be out there and playing with the guys. There was no depth. No storylines. No nothing.

HBO reality sports shows have exceled because the viewer walks away feeling like they learned something; either about the team, about the players, about the sport…hell even about themselves. But nothing came of last night’s show.

The highlight was of course Brian Wilson. They easily could make this entire show about Brian Wilson. Well, that and Matt Cain’s fat baby. But nothing else sticks. Show us Panda in the dugout. Show us the players working out. Show us the weird rituals they do before games. Show us that swagger that makes them a first place team despite having the worst batting average in all of MLB.

The Giants are the most charismatic cast of characters to ever assemble on any sports team in the history of ever. And somehow Showtime made it come out tasting like tapioca pudding.

I’m obviously watching next week.




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It Will Make Sense at the End

By Jericho


- I don't just love food, I honor food. More importantly, I honor the history of food. Our ancestors didn't have supermarkets, ovens, pizza delivery boys. They had farms and they had fire. I honor those traditions. That's why I grow all my own food, cook it by fire and currently have dysentery. Sure, my vegetables taste like dog piss and look like something we feed death-row inmates, but the TRADITION lives. This is how I feel about the British Open. Who fucking cares if they invented the game there, the courses look like fucking shit! The weather is miserable, the players are miserable, it's terrible TV. In a world where courses like Augusta, Pebble and Sawgrass exist, why the fuck do we play a major championship in a fucking wasteland?


- Here's something you may not know about me: when I order a coffee, or a burrito, or hail a cab or ask a concierge where the nearest bathroom is, I like to use my full name and full title. "Yeah, hi, my name is Jericho Perseus Royall, I'm the senior director of saltiness for Apples and Moustaches, I studied English because I hate studying and love weed and amazingly graduated in four years and now I have that job that I just mentioned a few words ago in this sentence right after my name and before I told you what I studied. I'd like a latte please." This is how I feel about doctors wearing their scrubs in public, basically the clothing version of talking about yourself in the third person. We all get it, asshole, you’re a fucking doctor. You went to college for 16 years, make 800k and use the word epidermis in casual conversation. You know what? FUCK YOU. Bunch of pricks. Fuck doctors.


- After doing it for roughly 31 years now, let me tell you something I've learned about walking: it's much more effective with my thumb up my butt. Sure it's a bit awkward when I'm at the park, or ordering a coffee or on the treadmill with an inch and a half of thumb in me. And yes, I do look like a donkey-humping assbag. And yeah, people give me looks that say, "is that guy a retard or a sex offender?" But on the whole, or hole rather, my movements are more fluid and more efficient. This is how I feel about dudes who wear spandex pants. Awesome, you can ride your bike 2 mph faster and you've decreased wind resistance by 13%, but everyone can see your dick, you fucking idiot. Is finishing your run in 39 minutes rather than 42 really worth a thumb up the butt?



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Cheers to Tuesday!

The stars have aligned. Jericho is in the city for a nerd conference and we both bartered with our wives for the time off. Plus, I’m wearing the gayest sweater possible. Yes friends, it’s time for an impromptu man date Apples and Moustaches style. Time to celebrate one another like Brooke Shields discovering sex for the first time in The Blue Lagoon.


Four fearless predictions for a random Tuesday night dinner with Magglio and Jericho:


1 – I surprise Jericho with the news that US soccer chicks Abby Wambach and Megan Rapinoe used to date. He proceeds to ask the question who would you rather scissor one out; Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman or Hope Solo and Brooklyn Decker. We debate the question for a good 20 minutes, empty our cocktails and reload.


2 – I tell Jericho the following true story: A co-worker brought her kid to work today wearing a Dodgers hat. I shit you not. The kid must’ve been 9 years old. After telling the kid that his parents are idiots and they’ve severely misguided him in his youth we get into a spirited debate about baseball. It ends in me threatening to stuff him in the recycling can and lock him in there until his mom is ready to go home.


3 – We station ourselves in front of the TV at the bar/restaurant to watch the all-star game. We play the game “any time Joe Buck or Tim McCarver mispronounces a Latin player’s name in a hardly disguised attempt at racism” we take a drink. We have to end the game by the 2nd inning or else we won’t be standing by the 5th.


4 – Punches will be exchanged between one another. If I can get Jericho drunk enough then I stand a much better chance of dodging his haymakers. I’m man enough to admit that this is my only hope for success.


Enjoy the Palace buddy!

III

Wanna Smush?

by Magglio and Jericho


Apple
I think it’s time we declare Jen Aniston the winner in the Angelina Jolie showdown. That chick looks damn sexy. I want to pour SmartWater all over her and smush her butt cheeks together. In ‘Just Go With It’ (don’t judge me) she goes toe-to-toe with Brooklyn Decker in a bikini. I think it’s fair to say she more than held her own. Skin and bones Jolie, with her weird head dresses and world peace tour? Keep it. I like my women a little scandalous, a little more girl next door, and with that banging yoga body. Holla back.


Moustache
Whenever I step out of the office I like yelling ‘hold all calls’ to our receptionist in a condescending, sexist sort of way. It makes me feel important. And harkens back to the days of chicks sleeping their way to the top. Brent, our receptionist, loves it too. I think.


Apple
“My phone was hacked by Rubert Murdoch” is now a great excuse if your significant other catches you having inappropriate sexts with an insignificant other. I haven’t tried it out yet. I don’t need to. I only sext with myself.


Moustache
Tourists in San Francisco are always easy to spot during the summer. Look for the idiots in shorts and flip flops shivering like idiots in the 50 degree weather. Or, find the people dressed in the overpriced ‘San Francisco’ jackets with clip art graphics because they were dumb enough to wear shorts and flip flops during the Summer in San Francisco.


Apple
I watched every second of the US Women’s World Cup game against Brazil. Incredible. 3 thoughts; 1) Those chicks don’t flop like the dudes do which makes the game so much better. 2) Hope Solo went to UW, Go Dawgs! 3) I’d totally nail the little one who looks like a highlighter. Next game is Wednesday morning at 8:30am against France. Suck it France.


Moustache
Apologies to The Green Lantern, Captain America, The Change-Up and Mr. Popper's Penguins, but the ballot for worst movie of the year officially closed when this trailer was released.

Which is dumber: the title, the premise, the tagline (Evolution is now Revolution) or James Franco's face? It's a four-way tie right? Here's a quick test for whether your movie is going to bomb or not: does it have "of the" twice in the title? If the answer is yes, then you're movie is going to bomb. If the answer is no, but James Franco is prominently involved, the answer is still yes. Rise of the Planet of the Apes. Legend of the Fall of the Legends Who Fell. The Passion of the Christ of the Man Whose Passion was Christ-like. Lord of the Flies of the Many Flies and the Men Who Lorded Over Them. How fucking of the dumb are we?


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The Voice

By Jericho

Four thoughts on The Voice:

1) Adam Levine is definitely going to have an STD named after him someday. "I can barely sit down; I think that waitress from the party gave me Adam Levine." The guy is destined to be the Lou Gehrig of pubic rashes.


2) Cee Lo scares the fuck out of me. Doesn't it feel like there are two kinds of weirdos in Hollywood: the purposefully weird and the weird as fuck. Lady Gaga feels purposefully weird to me, I bet she drinks a lot of tea and watches a lot of old movies in her jammies. Same with David Bowie, Russell Brand and Prince. These people are weird, don't get me wrong, but their images are calculated extensions of their weirdness. On the other hand, people like Jon Voight, Bjork and Mickey Rourke are weird as fuck. Cee Lo humps Muppets. He uses albino alligator blood as face lotion. He still uses the phone book. If I ever saw Cee Lo walking towards me, I'd be knocking bitches over to get the fuck out of there.


3) Here's a sentence that looks completely, comically wrong but is absolutely true: between 1999 and 2001, Carson Daly could've fucked any 16-24 year old on the planet. Boy or girl. That's insane isn't it? The Carson Daly "TRL pussy/butthole run" (great fantasy football team name) has no comparison or precedent for one simple reason: he's completely talentless. Burt Reynolds in the late 70s, Eddie Murphy in the early 80s, Kevin Costner in the late 80s, Johnny Depp in the mid-90s, Derek Jeter in the early 00s and the current Justin Timberlake runs are amazing, but they are explainable, those guys are awesome. Carson Daly introduced music videos and he was the undisputed butthole/pussy champ for three straight years? I don't think we'll ever see a run like that again. Remember when Magic Johnson said "we'll see five more Michael Jordans before we see another Larry Bird?" We won't see another Carson run in our lifetime.


4) The gossip rags and celebrity sites have been destroying Xtina and rightfully so, she's so bloated that she could be used as floatation device in the case of a water landing. However, let's not forget two things: a) she's never been more attainable. The Xtina from that Maxim photo shoot with the inter tube was the Hope Diamond; you better enjoy the picture because you're not getting within 1,000 miles of the real thing. Modern day Xtina? For three Xanax, four Vicodin and a plate of chili fries you could take a dump on her face. Isn't that what it's all about? And b) if I'm Xtina's management, I take away her plate of 12 sausages and replace it with a plate of 27 sausages. Her destiny has always been to be the white Aretha, so let's keep this gravy train rolling. Literally. More gravy for that fat bitch. I've never understood why girls like Xtina, Kelly Clarkson and Adele, after her upcoming bulimia/anorexia/coke-fueled flame out, try and wiggle around and be Britney. Britney has to wiggle around and be Britney, the bitch can't sing worth a fucking shit. She sounds like an auto tuned fart. Take it to the house, XLtina! Fuck the genie, Xtina should be trying to get more barbecue sauce out of that bottle. Sit your big ass down on a big fucking chair and sing your fat fucking nuts off.


Oh and also: 5) I've never actually seen The Voice. Any good? It looks pretty fucking dumb.




III

We're fucked for sure

By Magglio and Jericho


Apple
I got drunk this weekend and made a stupid bet. (By the way, nobody is surprised by that sentence.) I bet a dude that the NFL lockout would end today. If it does I get $500 bucks. If it doesn’t then I owe him $20. The latest from camp is that Roger Goddell is ensuring the West Coast will continue to get fucked on the MNF start time and DeMaurice Smith is having a hard time deciding which hat to wear the next time he exits a meeting. So much for progress. Pricks.


Moustache
My final tally for Sunday’s bbq: 3 bratwursts, 4 cheeseburgers and enough potato salad to make one’s eyes emit mayonnaise. Talk about feeling like an American. So much for my vegetarian kick.


Apple
Guys it would be fun to fight: Novak Djocavek, Tom Cruise, James Spader, Justin Timberlake, Wendi Nix, Al Roker, Jimmy Fallon


Moustache
Transformers 3 just had the 2nd biggest worldwide opening of all time – finishing the holiday weekend with over $380m combined. What the fuck is going on? In Zynga's IPO filing it was revealed that its revenue is up 319% in 2010? What the fuck is going on? The hotdog eating contest was the lead story on SportsCenter last night. What the fuck is going on? America's Got Talent was the #1 show in America last week. What THE FUCK is going on? Forget Global Warming. This is the real proof that our planet is fucked.


Apple
Retro things are sorta cool in a sorta cliché hipster sorta way. You know what’s not cool? Having a discman. I saw some dude at the gym yesterday carefully balancing his discman on his lap while he was lifting weights. That’s not cool. Sweatbands, now those are cool. But a discman? You’re trying too hard bro.


Moustache
Forgot that Five Hour Energy poison; if you really want to perk yourself up at 2:30, here's what you do: Head to the bathroom, grab a stall and take your pants off. Nothing lewd (unless that's your thing), just kick off your shoes, hang your pants on the hook, take a piss with your boxers at your ankles, then step back, do a few calf raises to get the twins swinging, then right back to your day. You're gone from your desk for five minutes top and will be reenergized for the rest of the day. Trust me. It's very refreshing.




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