Monday, October 3, 2011

Bearded Hatchet Wound

By Magglio and Jericho


The Raiders should give the ball to McFadden 50 times a game. White safeties are not as cool as white running backs but are infinitely cooler than white wide receivers. Carolina is to backdoor covers as a Kardashian is to endorsing a product. Automatic.

You know Apple's tagline: if you don't have an iPhone…well, you don't have an iPhone. Let me just say this: if you're standing in line at an Apple store right now…well, you're standing in line at an Apple store right now.

Fine, I'll be the one to say what we're all thinking: Casey Anthony and Amanda Knox should star in a porn called Bearded Hatchet Wound. Why would it be called that? Why wouldn't it be called that?

If there was a button to push, so every time a preview for Whitney came on, it caused her to immediately stop talking, start stripping and for the boyfriend character to magically disappear never to be seen again. Then I would definitely push that button.

Want to know the one saving grace about being 0-4 in fantasy? You can see hand sanitizer on the counter. Wait, sorry, I screwed up the intro. Want to know the one saving grace about getting fingered by a high school football team?

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess that, even when presented him with this miraculous opportunity, Bruno Mars wouldn't change a fucking thing about that dumb cunt's stupid fucking face. It's goddamn fucking perfection. He'll also take a fucking grenade for that bitch. But then again, he's lazy and doesn't even want to get out of his goddamn fucking bed. In other news, I think Pandora's trying to kill me. I have a Van Morrison channel and a Stevie Wonder channel, Bruno gave them both herpes. Or maybe clicking thumbs down isn't strong enough. Maybe I should round house my monitor like some fucked up Chuck Norris movie.


1 comment:

sandy mangina said...

The hawks came back, they are 2 and 3. After espn posted that we are the worst team in the league I was like "motherfucker I want to second last then", we are now bitches! We still eat feces from the bottom of the sea but fuck y'all!

I give the 49ers props for their unexpected rise to a great start, wait, fuck them. Fuck alex smith.

Tabasco in your asshole alex smith!