Apples & Moustaches: Ain't that a bitch

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Ain't that a bitch

by Jericho

I work with a mega bitch. Everyone works with a mega bitch but this
bitch is the mega bitch of all bitches. This bitch is fucking
mythological. She does shit that would make Zeus say, “shit, that’s
fucked. I turned into a swan and raped a bitch once and even I
wouldn’t even do half the shit that bitch does.”

The following exchange actually happened on the phone a few days ago:

Me: do you mind if I segue into another topic while I have you?

Her: that’s fine. But just so were clear, you don’t have me, I have you.

What? What the fuck does that even mean? That’s the kind of shit that
makes you look around your office for a hidden camera. Fucking
congrats, you’re cunt of the year! Hurrah! Hooray! Where should we
send your trophy, which by the way is a beaten old vagina with a
fucking trident shooting out of it? Should we mail it, or just leave
it outside of the orphanage and the next time you come to feed you can
just pick it up?

III

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We are Apples and Moustaches

1. Magglio is the handsome one. Jericho is the angry one.
2. We’re dead on with our Box Office predictions. But we only do those during the summer when there are good movies out. I mean, who gives two shits about ‘27 dresses’. We’re also deadly accurate with our Oscar guesses. A word to the wise; never get into a betting situation with Jericho around Oscar time. Trust me on this.
3. We are West Coast centric. When it’s all said and done we want West Coast sports team to horse fuck East Coast sports teams. It’s just the way it goes. Even if that means rooting for a sissy team like Washington State or the Lakers, we’ll do it. That’s just the kind of guys we are.
4. We post once a day. Sometimes twice a day. And if we’re both too hungover then we’ll just put up pictures of hot chicks to fill the space.
5. Magglio once tried to eat a large Stuffed Crust Pepperoni Pizza from Pizza Hut in one hour. He came up half a piece short. He has no question in his mind if he tried it again he could finish the whole pizza, no problem.
6. Our whole goal is to make each other laugh. That’s it. If you don’t like what you’re reading then fuck off. If you love what you’re reading then spread our link all over the blogosphere so we can quit our stupid day jobs.
7. Magglio loves The Hills, Matt Cain/Tim Lincecum and Soy Lattes. Jericho hates baseball and people who use the word "humorous", loves football, movies and has only 5 friends, admittedly by choice.
8. In their lifetime, Magglio and Jericho have gotten in two sanctioned* fist fights with each other. Each won one of the contests with the loser puking in the back yard.
9. We both support Barrack Obama. However, if John Clayton would have been on the ballot undoubtedly that’s where our vote would have gone.
10. We both consider the NFL Draft Day, our fantasy draft day and the Super Bowl as the greatest days of the year. Without question. Better than our birthdays. And better than Christmas.
*We only had 1 set of gloves but luckily Magglio is a righty and Jericho is a lefty. We also were both wasted when the fights took place. Magglio did knock his ass out though. Bitch.