Apples & Moustaches: Announcement

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Announcement

Today Magglio Ordonez of the Detroit Tigers announced his retirement. My brother sent me the link and asked if I too should announce my retirement from A&M. What a terrible thought. But totally valid based on our lack of posting. What the hell happened to us? Life happened I guess. We both had kids. We both got deeper into our careers. Ultimately we’ve had less time to dedicate to just shooting the shit.

What a depressing thought.

Jericho and I still talk every day. I guess we sorta use our Facebook status updates as one off A&M’s. Again, what a depressing thought. Just wasting our witticisms on fat relatives, former neighbors and that one chick that gave us a hummer in college and now has 4 kids. Yikes.

Well, I’m announcing today that we’re NOT retiring. We’re still living the dream. The dream that one day we’ll be asked to write full time. To quit our jobs and do this for a living. The dream that Bill Simmons will ask us to join Grantland and we’ll show up to their lavish offices and be asked to join the brainstorms and when it gets to us we’ll talk about fisting or peeing on bitches and then immediately be shown the door. Yes. That’s the dream.

Hey, Jericho, let’s get on it buddy. We got a room full of pretentious writers to offend.

III

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We are Apples and Moustaches

1. Magglio is the handsome one. Jericho is the angry one.
2. We’re dead on with our Box Office predictions. But we only do those during the summer when there are good movies out. I mean, who gives two shits about ‘27 dresses’. We’re also deadly accurate with our Oscar guesses. A word to the wise; never get into a betting situation with Jericho around Oscar time. Trust me on this.
3. We are West Coast centric. When it’s all said and done we want West Coast sports team to horse fuck East Coast sports teams. It’s just the way it goes. Even if that means rooting for a sissy team like Washington State or the Lakers, we’ll do it. That’s just the kind of guys we are.
4. We post once a day. Sometimes twice a day. And if we’re both too hungover then we’ll just put up pictures of hot chicks to fill the space.
5. Magglio once tried to eat a large Stuffed Crust Pepperoni Pizza from Pizza Hut in one hour. He came up half a piece short. He has no question in his mind if he tried it again he could finish the whole pizza, no problem.
6. Our whole goal is to make each other laugh. That’s it. If you don’t like what you’re reading then fuck off. If you love what you’re reading then spread our link all over the blogosphere so we can quit our stupid day jobs.
7. Magglio loves The Hills, Matt Cain/Tim Lincecum and Soy Lattes. Jericho hates baseball and people who use the word "humorous", loves football, movies and has only 5 friends, admittedly by choice.
8. In their lifetime, Magglio and Jericho have gotten in two sanctioned* fist fights with each other. Each won one of the contests with the loser puking in the back yard.
9. We both support Barrack Obama. However, if John Clayton would have been on the ballot undoubtedly that’s where our vote would have gone.
10. We both consider the NFL Draft Day, our fantasy draft day and the Super Bowl as the greatest days of the year. Without question. Better than our birthdays. And better than Christmas.
*We only had 1 set of gloves but luckily Magglio is a righty and Jericho is a lefty. We also were both wasted when the fights took place. Magglio did knock his ass out though. Bitch.