Coming out Sideways...

Apple
I realized today that my mood in life is often dictated by the actions of teenagers. And not in like a “was Miley photographed in a two piece or not” sort of way. This morning my email inbox was flooded, my voicemail was flashing, hell even a co-worker rushed in to tell me the news. Nick Montana, son of the legendary Joe Montana, just committed to play his college ball at Washington in 2010. Fuck. Now I’m not one of those hometown humpers who has disillusioned thoughts about what could be. This kid may never pan out. But you look at the teams he passed on; Notre Dame, Ohio State, LSU…and it makes last year’s winless season seem like, well, yesterday.


Moustache
I’ve never taken a ‘myspace’ photo but I’m seriously considering it. Just for fun. You know the one; A self shot, from above, in a mirror, using my cell phone, wearing only my panties with my elbow barely covering one of my tits. You know what I’m talking about.


Apple
Compounded with the fact that I am currently in one of the worst writer’s slumps since 1988 is that I recently introduced my blog to a co-worker of mine. Sweet. “Hey, check it out, I write a blog that’s totally outrageous. Oh, don’t mind the fact that my writing is coming out like a sideways shit these days. You know, the super painful ones? What’s that? No, don’t go talk to HR. Please.”


Moustache
Last week I watched two episodes of MTV’s True Life that you’d think would’ve been amazing. They were “True Life: I’m a bisexual” and “True Life: I don’t like my large breasts.” But, I’m sad to report, they were super lame. I got about 10 minutes into the bisexual one when I had to “excuse” myself since they just kept showing a 19-year old chick complain about how much she loves sex. What? Shocked? Look, I’m a grown man I can only handle so much. And the large breasts episode? Even worse. Just a bunch of heffers bitching about their gigantic hermans. Suck it up ladies. Eat some more veggies and rock those like you have your own VH1 special.


Apple
The final episode of the Real World/Road Rules Challenge is tonight. What does this mean? Well, it means I will be glued to my TV at 10pm PST this evening clutching my Rachel doll tightly and screaming things like “Landon’s dimples CANNOT be real can they?” and “You know I think TJ Lavin has really matured this season” and “How many synapses do you think are firing in Brad’s tiny little brain right now?” Fuck I love this show.


III