Thursday, June 18, 2009

Mentally Preparing

I’m going to a wedding this weekend. I’m really excited about it too. I love weddings. Not because of all the lovey dovey ceremonial bullshit. I love them for the food, the booze, the dancing, the chubby bridesmaid crammed into the too tight dress and of course the inevitable mother-in-law or aunt dancing inappropriately. Sound cliché? Take a hike.

I’ve been mentally preparing for this wedding all week. Planning my outfit, my wife’s outfit, who I’m going to see, what I’m going to eat, what I’m going to drink and how I’m going to get home.

Here is what I’ve come up with:

My outfit:
So far, so good. I have a suit being tailored right now. That’s just how I roll. (Please allow me to be a bit “in touch” for a moment.) There is nothing better than a well tailored suit. I’m telling you. Spend less money on the suit and spend more money on the tailoring. You’ll be so happy you did. It makes a $300 suit look like a million bucks. I even researched the best tailor in town. The guy barely spoke English but man did he know his way around an inseam. I pick up my suit tomorrow. Fuck I’m going to look good.

My Wife’s Outfit:
I laid out 5 key objectives for her outfit:

One – something hot

Two – something that shows off her killer ass/legs/chest/back

Three – something ridiculous

Four – something fashion forward so you scare/upset/inspire some people

Five – something that will photograph well. (please see above…cause I’m gonna look supa fly)

Who I’m going to see:
Lots and lots and lots of parents. This is a family friend who is getting married back in my hometown. So I’ll be seeing a ton of my high school friend’s parents. Which means I need to not only parade around my wife like she’s the fucking prom queen but be sure to turn up the charm factor.

(Note to self: a few minutes before we leave for the wedding go back and read this section)

Hey future Magglio -

You look great dude. No seriously. You look really good. Go get ‘em Tiger.


What I’m going to eat:
Sounds like the options are Tri-Tip or Chicken. I actually had to do some digging for this one, it wasn’t a pre-printed option when you RSVP. This is a no-brainer. As lil Joshy once told me, you ALWAYS get the tri-tip at a wedding. He also once told me that if you’re ever in a pinch, applesauce and a well carved green pepper make for a great ‘fantasy date.’ Weirdo.

What I’m going to drink:
This is where I could use some advice. I did some investigating. Here are the options. Beer and Wine (standard). No champagne from what I can tell. And Cosmos. Yes, you read that right. Cosmos. Now, despite the fact that I’ve seen Sex In The City the movie and I choose before peeking at the results of US Weekly’s ‘who wore it best’…I’ve never had a Cosmo. It has Vodka (cool), Triple Sec (ehh?) and Cranberry juice (gay). I’m fucked. I don’t want to drink beer all night, this is a wedding and I’m going to look great. I can’t drink Wine all night or I’ll wind up just farting a bunch and going to sleep early. And I definitely can’t survive on Cosmos. My wife suggested we bring flasks. God I love that woman.

How I’m going to get home:
Walk mother fucker. It’s walking distance to my parent’s house. Now do you understand why I’ve been mentally preparing for this evening for so long?

Now go get ‘em Tiger. You look great.



Anonymous said...

How about Appletinis?

tahoesanta said...

I shit my pants at work today.

It was a shart, but it was bad enough that I had to throw my undies away. Too many IPA's at the Sounders game last night.

Did I go home? Fuck no. I went commando in a suit and greeted clients with a smile as they sat at my desk. The same desk I shit myself at only moments earlier.

Sa said...

Magglio -- maybe you and KMC can skip the Triple Sec and just go with Vodka/Cranberry?

Tahoesanta -- sorry you gambled and lost.

BDiddy said...

I feel like there must be some olives around that place somewhere. Get some juice and make yourself a Dirty.

Tahoe--I feel your pain. Unfortunatley when I sharted myself I was naked in my computer chair at home...I had to get a new chair.

CMW--you never appologized for sharting in the drivers seat of my first car (the camry) on the way home from the movies that night... I had to get a new car.