Baby Talk

Nine observations from the best/worst season of The Bachelorette ever.


1 - Ashley mentions Bentley so often that the wife and I started a drinking game. We take shots every time she says his name. That game ended after about 25 minutes last night when neither of us could see straight.


2 - The group date continues to be a complete disaster. From the Thai boxing to the roast to the stupid ass dragon boat racing from last night, you can always count on the group dates being full of awkward moments, tears and homoerotic tension.


3 - I still cannot tell Ben and Constantine apart. They are the same height, have the same dumb hair and both enjoy a finger in the butt. I’m assuming


4 – Ashley is a PR nightmare for women everywhere. She is the whiniest bitch on the planet. She embodies every negative stereotype chicks have to deal with. She’s insecure, she’s clingy, she cries all the time and she baby talks. Plus she fell for the bad guy. Next thing you know she’ll start talking about how she thinks it’s ridiculous she has the right to vote.


5 – If you don’t think JP is winning it all then you’re wrong. And yes, it’s all about winning. This show is far past the fairy tale hoax they once tried to sell. Every guy there is competing for the cover of US Weekly and more random hummers than he could ever hope for. Fact.


6 – I respect Mickey for walking away last night and honestly expect something like that to happen a lot more often. It’s ridiculous to think all of these guys are actually falling for Ashley. None of these dudes would talk to her in real life. Except for Ames. I’m not sure he’s ever even seen a boob in real life. That dude has definitely tried sex with the family cat growing up.


7 – Ashley’s tits went from cute and tiny to big time fun last night. Maybe she’s starting to gain weight like Chantel did last season.


8 – Bentley (take a drink) is definitely going to be next season’s bachelor. He’s good looking, he’s a complete asshole and every chick out there thinks they have what it takes to break through his bad boy image. You don’t think ABC can see this? Hell, I can see this.


9 – Too bad Blake and Ryan can’t make an appearance on this season’s Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Rivals. They’d get worked by CT and Adam. But that’s another post for another time.




III

Since You've Been Gone...

Dear Jericho –

I realize you’ve only been gone for about 48 hours but so many things have happened I thought I’d pen a letter. I spent the most time trying to figure out what song should be playing while you read this letter. I wanted the music to signify importance like the end of a Growing Pains episode when Mike Seaver and his trusty side kick Boner realize that even though they didn’t come in first place they learned a valuable lesson along the way. Not sure what that song should be. But you get the idea. I also know for a fact, that when you’re reading this, the edges of the screen (the audience's TV screen mind you) will be slightly cloudy like a glamor shot taken at a mid range mall portrait studio.

Here's what's been going on since you've been gone....

I watched “The Private Lives of Pippa Lee”:
Dude, this was a great movie. If Robin Wright Penn doesn’t get nominated then it proves I don’t know shit about the Oscars. And Blake Lively turns in a surprisingly good performance, not to mention there’s a great sequence where she gets spanked while dressing up in different ‘Halloween’ costumes. Totally fucking hot. While I really enjoyed the movie I have to say two things threw me off

1) Keanu Reeves. Yes. Keanu Reeves is in the movie and at one point wears a t-shirt that just says ‘What?’ on it. Almost too good to be true. But it is true. I paused the movie just to be sure. And...

2) There’s some fuzzy math going on where Blake Lively dates Alan Arkin and then they fast forward in time and Robin Wright Penn is the older version of Blake Lively now married to Alan Arkin and we’re supposed to believe it all just works. Sound confusing? It is. Enough that I again had to pause the movie and try to do some quick math about everyone’s ages before my wife finally told me to just go with it and press play. So I pressed play. But it still irks me today.


I watched "Pirate Radio":
Great movie. I can’t tell if the fact that I went 2 for 2 on good movies says more about my ability to easily be entertained or more about the quality of the 2 movies I saw. Doesn’t matter. This is Phillip Seymour Hoffman as we love and know him. Not ‘Boogie Nights’ PSH which will never again exist, but 'Almost Famous' PSH. Funny, Confident while still being aware of his girth, engaging, charming…he was perfect. You gotta see this movie. I think you’d really like it. (That goes for you too Dad. This movie is right up your ally. Great music and hot chicks. Sorry though, no nudity).


Chargers, Colts, Saints, Vikings, Update:
Let me see if I can break this down for you. The Chargers are peaking at the perfect time. The Colts benched Peyton and chose to slow their peak which practically gave Chris Berman a hemorrhoid on national TV. Saints are imploding right before our eyes and the Vikings have now realized what it means to have 46-year old Brett Favre as your quarterback this late in the season. Oh yeah, the Seahawks still fucking suck. I'm putting money down on the Packers.


Your Fantasy Championship game:
First, the bad news. You lost by about 15 points. Now the good news. You had no business making it this far anyways. We both know that. You started Devonne Bess in the championship game for fuck’s sake. Desean played like Desean and Gore did the best he could be let’s be honest, your team sucked. Congrats on 2nd place. Now we have to take a whole off-season of listening to Moody’s dumbass gloat.


JP’s Birthday next year:
We came up with a KILLER idea for Jammy Pants' birthday next year…wait for it….The Maui Invitational! Boom. They just announced that Washington will be participating next year and it’s the week of Thanksgiving which is also her birthday week. What could be better? Hawaii? Huskies? Patch in a bikini? Get ready buddy.


In Burges:
Great movie posts last week. The chatter has been fantastic. I still get people sending me emails and IM’s wanting to talk about your list. Little do they know I had nothing to do with it besides agreeing with your number 1 pick. As you know, you need to watch In Burges when you get back and let our readers know what you think. Not only did one of our readers, Bryan, deem it the best movie in the history of the uinverse but KK practically gave him a written hummer by confirming that it was a good movie. Remember how much KK loves Colin Farrell? Man KK can be such a pussy sometimes.


Caity being Caity:
Caity still hasn’t sent in her new post. I think she’s dooshing again. Or Tahoe finally figured out where Atlanta is and they’re making loud, drunken monkey love now. Gross.


I miss you fag. There, I said it.

xoxo, Magglio




III

Cheer up Judy...

Judy had a death in the family. A&M’s thoughts go out to her. If you don’t remember, Judy is the other hardcore Giants fan in my office, discussed here. She’s been out this entire week. I got an email from her this morning. Here is what her email said:

Judy’s Email (please note the extraordinary punctuation):

“I need a distraction from all this ghoulish death stuff- what is happening with my orange and black pumpkins???? Is timmy really hurt? We just gotta win tonight!!!!!!”


Here was my response:

Judy -


I’m so sorry to hear about the death in your family. That sucks almost as much as the Rockies winning every single fucking day. Let me do my best to shine a little light on the state of Giants baseball for you.


• Being 4.5 games back, with the next 6 games at home vs. LA and COL, this is truly a do or die stretch. We need to take at least 5 of 6. 4 of 6 still keeps us in contention but with how hot the Rockies are I think we honestly have to take 5 of 6 to survive.


• We’ve said it all year. We have to get hot at the right time in order to make this thing work. Well, 11 days into September and it’s now or never. If, and that’s a big if, we can catch fire now we can do this thing. I’m confident of that. We truly have the best staff in baseball. A couple key hits here and there and we're right back in it. Secretly I think Freddy Sanchez is the key for us this weekend. We'll need his line drives at big moments in the game. And he'll deliver...


• There is absolutely no word out of the Giants on Timmy’s back. Seriously nothing. He was in the dugout for Bumgarner’s start and looked fine. So who knows what’s going on. Conspiracy theories are abound that we are saving him for LA or whatever, but I just don’t buy it. He must’ve been hung over again like the all-star game 2 years ago.


• The biggest shit show is what our team is doing with Buster Posey. He has sat on his ass for almost 2 weeks now with no action. Nothing. He has come out to catch the bullpen a couple times, but that’s it. Even in the game against the Padres, up 7 runs in the 8th inning, and Bengie dinged his hand…nope. We put Eli Whiteside in. I don’t get it Judy. I really don’t. John Bowker has already had 4 pinch hit at-bats since his call up. I’m not sure what we’re doing. The kid is getting stale. Send him down and let him swing that bat. It seems silly to use him purely to incentivize Bengie Molina (another popular conspiracy theory), I mean, this is the future we’re talking about. Unfortunately my frustrations have now turned to Kruk and Kuip because they don’t talk about it at all. Which makes me believe they’ve been told not to, which makes me believe that they are puppets in our system, which just pisses me off even more. Can you feel my frustration? Let the kid play. The problem is that we’ll need him at a critical point and his first at bat will be in the bottom of the 9th in a key situation. Is that how we want to break him in?


• Penny vs LA will be a great sub-plot on Sunday. He showed so much bad ass enthusiasm in his last start vs. the Padres. It’ll be great. I've got money on it that he plunks Casey Blake to get back at him for imitating Brian Wilson earlier in the season. Payback is a bitch. Especially when it comes from the arm of a 350lb truck/horse/donut hybrid throwing 95 mph.

• If we happen to make it to the playoffs another big topic is who to start. Obviously Timmy and Cain, but Zito has fallen off again over his past 2 starts. The thought is maybe Penny. But what would that do to Zito's head if we didn’t let him throw? Fuck Zito. You're right.


• My brother is flying down for the weekend. I’ll be wearing my ‘Sexy Nate’ jersey. Just kidding. I wish I had one though. It would totally say ‘sexy nate’ on the back. People would look at me weird but hey….it’s Giants baseball.


Enough about 5 of 6 and 23 games left, etc, etc.
Tonight is huge. Let’s just win tonight.

We’re in this!!!


III

Today's Apples and Moustaches

Apple
This Sunday is Bay 2 Breakers. For those of you who know what this is, then you know the madness that is about to ensue. For those of you that don’t, let me see if I can provide some insight using only 10 words. San Fancisco, Walk/Run/Race, Booze, Nudity, Floats, Costumes, Peeing in Public, TahoeSanta, One-of-a-kind, best day of the year. Yep, that about sums it up. Choosing the right outfit is critical. I’m deciding between head-to-toe spandex, a full Giants uniform or dressing as Dora the Explorer. And Tahoe, I am more excited to see you than the sloppy bitches on Biggest Loser when they finally give into their temptations and decide to actually eat the Twinkie. You’re my Twinkie Tahoe. And I will eat you whole.


Moustache
I can’t wait for Casey Blake to get a big fat fucking fastball in his pussy. After hitting a game-tying home run off of Brian Wilson in the 12th inning Sunday, Blake got back to the dugout and mocked the hand gesture Wilson does after completing a save. Of course the gesture he makes is a tribute to God and to Wilson’s late father. Whoops. Casey Blake has a 99mph fastball to the jaw in his future. Which brings me to my next point. Have I ever been such a fan of an outright, holy rolling, Jesus humping athlete? Usually I roll my eyes and am immediately turned off when an athlete drops the JC bomb, but Wilson is different. He doesn’t preach. His faith is blatant but he’s not all up in my business about it. And you know what? He’s a fucking lunatic. Mohawk, tattoos, straight talk, no bullshit. I like this guy. He’s exactly what we need as a save man. He may have even cracked my top 5 favorite Giants on this year’s squad.


Apple
You know who's hot? Leighton Meester. And since we no longer post pictures of hot chicks I’ll just have to link to them here. (On a side note…why are you putting up with this? Look, I can’t say anything because I’m “affiliated” with the site. But you can. You’re the reader. Power to the people. Nobody reading this wants to look at Brian Wilson’s dumb face. Start a mutiny! Riot. Break things! Send letters to your local elected officials! Bring back the sweet tits on A&M!)


Moustache
Just an observation. Whenever you see a chick bring her purse with her into the bathroom it means she’s about to get up in it. It’s the equivalent of seeing a guy walking into the bathroom with some wet wipes and the Lifestyle section of the newspaper.


Apple
In case you haven’t noticed, our friend Jericho is ridiculously ridiculous in his ability to predict box office numbers. The only problem is there’s nothing to do with this talent. We can’t make millions from his knowledge. We can’t go on a game show and have him take home the grand prize. Hell, it’s even difficult to work the info into a cocktail party conversation…”You know, I have an inkling Wolverine will make roughly 70% less than it did opening weekend.” See? Not that cool. Well, I guess it’s just our little secret then. I know I’m not alone when I say I definitely want him to continue predicting box office numbers and giving us his thoughts/insights. But the first reader who can figure out a way to monetize Jericho’s freakish talent wins a lap dance from Caity.



III

Is it Friday yet?

With yesterday’s congressional hearings on steriods putting direct blame on the San Francisco Giants and GM Brian Sabean, Bud Selig now has a tough choice to make. Should he turn the witch hunt on the owners and front office execs instead of just on the players themselves? Hasn’t this gone on far enough? What’s next, going after little 11-year-old Timmy’s parents because he had a poster of Mark McGwire in his room and surely they shoulda known McGuire was a doper? This is getting out of hand. We say settle it like men. With fisticuffs, bare knuckles, noogies and half-nelsons.

Think about it…

Bud Selig vs. Brian Sabean

Where you gonna hide Buddy boy? Behind Donald Fehr, George Mitchell and a bunch of other old, rich white guys? Take it like a man. Have you seen Sabean? He looks like he’s just stepped off the speedboat after a marathon limbo/wet t-shirt event out at Lost Isle…with his poofy faux mullet and beer belly. You wanna mess with Sabean? He’s got old man strength. He can bench press a Datsun. He’s wrestled alligators. This one is gonna be over quickly.

Links and gossip and whatnot:

Yes please:
Pics of Rachel Bilson in the latest GQ

Blake is leaving Amy Winehouse:
I can’t imagine why. I mean she’s almost more cracked out than Britney…almost.

Jessica Biel without makeup:
Still hot, am I wrong?

She and Him:
Zooey Deschanel (Elf and Almost Famous) and M. Ward’s new collaboration…album out in March. If she can sing half as well as she can act…then sign me up.


Fake Jessica Simpson!
This is what makes sports cool…right. Do you think she has a fake creepy dad?