An A for you and an M for me

Apple
Look, sometimes the universe just doesn’t want you to win. Case in point, I was dropping the kids off at the pool, stood up and the seat cover came with me, dripping pee and water on to the front of my pants. So now it looks like I peed myself, which, for all practical purposes, I guess I did, but as any self-respecting whiskey drinker can attest to, when I piss myself I mean to piss myself. Whiskey drinkers don’t piss themselves on accident – when you set down that halfer of Makers on the counter you are basically saying to the guy at the counter, “yeah I’m pissing myself tonight what the fuck are you going to do about it?”


Moustache
I’ve got a gnarly cold and have been overdosing on Tylenol Cold and Chamomile the last few days. Hey, is just me, or when you see the word “Chamomile” do you instantly think of a girl in tight spandex pants with a really noticeable clump of butt hair, aka, Camel Heel? Or is that just me?


Apple
I’m sorry, but calling Sarah Palin a “star” is kind of like calling Brad Johnson a “quarterback.” Republicans, if this is your great hope for 2012, you might want to start drinking Drano. There’s a lot she can read, a lot of knowledge she can acquire in 4 years, but you can’t learn smart. McCain couldn’t get younger between 2004 and 2008, and Palin can’t get smarter by 2012. Anyone see that interview where she admitted that she didn’t know Africa was a continent? Honestly, a lot can be taken out of context and a lot of the shit politicians say can be easily explained, but I dare anyone to counter that one. Africa? I mean, Bush can’t talk too good, but I do think he knows the continents.

(Which might be the most amazing part of the Palin era, the fact that she makes all rational, thinking people look at Bush and say, “you know what? Maybe he’s not so dumb afterall.” This may be the last great move of the Rove era, knowing that McCain had no chance whatsoever, he pushed for a VP candidate that would somehow make Bush look a little better on his way out. The equivalent to this would be hooking up with the ugliest girl in college, then immediately walking up the second ugliest girl and punching her in the face. Then you can go to all your friends and say “see, look at ugliest girl in college, she’s not so bad now, huh?”


Moustache
Way too early Oscar Predictions:

Picture: Milk (call this a hunch, but with all the noise about Prop 8 this pic is coming at an absolutely perfect time, feels right to me)

Director: Christopher Nolan, Dark Knight (I do think Dark Knight becomes the first comic book movie to get a best pic nom, which is really all you can hope for, everything about the Dark Knight was great, great performances, great sets, great writing, but at the at end of the day it’s Nolan’s show and he fucking announced himself in a big way and the Academy will want to recognize that)

Actor: Clint Eastwood, Gran Torino (this is a complete fucking hunch, but Clint announced a year ago that this would be the last time he’d be in front of the camera and I think the Academy won’t want to let one of most Oscar-friendly stars in history ride off into the sunset (prerequisite cowboy joke) without a lil gold fella)

Actress: Kate Winslet, Revolutionary Road (Big year for Kate, I think she actually will have two nominations in this category, one here and one for The Reader – marking her 6th and 7th nominations overall – kind of crazy that the best actress of her generation doesn’t have a trophy yet, something the Academy will fix this year)

Supporting Actor: Ralph Fiennes, The Duchess (I do think Heath gets nominated, but Ralph is an industry favorite who’s never won and gives two enormous performances in this movie and in The Reader, think of this as a culmination award)

Supporting Actress: Meryl Streep, Doubt (The minute this script landed on her desk she was already nominated, just a hunch here, but I think the Academy is ready to make her the most decorated person in history)


Apple
I took Mrs. Royall to Cyrus the other night, a 5 star restaurant in Healdsburg, CA that has a “Chef’s Choice” Menu – you basically don’t order, they just bring you course after course of the most exotic, strange, weirdly delicious food you’ve ever had in your life. If you’ve never had an experience like this, French Laundry is another one, I highly recommend it, the service is out of this world, the little things like the linens and silverware are like nothing you’ve ever seen and the food is unbelievable – a once in a lifetime experience all the way around. A few observations:

- At the end of the day, the food that you recognize and have had before is by far the best. We had squash spaghetti with pumpkin sauce that tasted like nothing I’ve ever had before, no precedent for it, and it was unbelievably good, but at the end of the day the duck breast is what I remember most. Here’s the analogy for this. Let’s say you’re in a dark, swanky club. Nine bands get up and play one song each. The squash spaghetti is the greatest band in the history of Denmark – you appreciate them for their artistry, for the fact that they don’t sound like anything else you’ve ever heard. But a few bands later, here comes the fucking White Stripes, they don’t say a word they just fucking launch into seven nation army – they greatest performance of their greatest song. That’s the duck breast – you dig?
- The service was so fucking good that at one point I expected a waiter to offer to burp me. You can imagine that can’t you? Waiter saunters over, extends his arm with a freshly washed towel draped over it, and I lean over while another waiter gently taps my back until I burp. Hell, they might even have a special burping menu and you can pick which technique you want. “I’ll have that pat, tap, tap, tap and the lady will have the swirl, pat, swirl, pat.”
- Remember the Milgram experiment from college? That psychological experiment from the 50s when the testers were quizzing someone and then shocking then when they got the answers wrong, proving the power that an authority figure has? I think you could do a similar study at restaurant like this – serve people crazy shit like human fingers and baby heads and see if they eat it. “Well, this is pretty weird, but it’s 5 star and all so here goes! You gonna eat your nail?”