1.
Movie: Harry Potter 5
Prediction: $85 million (does not include weekday returns, just the weekend)
2.
Movie: Transformers
Prediction: $38 million
3.
Movie: Ratatouille
Prediction: $18 million
4.
Movie: Die Hard 4
Prediction: $9 million
5.
Captivity
Prediction: $8 million
6.
Movie: Evan Almighty
Prediction: $5 million
7.
Movie: License to Wed
Prediction: $4.5 million
*Every Friday and Monday Apples and Moustaches predicts and publishes box office returns. Jerricho Royall bases all of his predictions on his lifelong fascination with bad movies and stupid people and how the combination of the two directly affects the weekly box office. Apples and Moustaches Box Office Report, (aka AMBOR): Because it’s pretty incredible how much the bottom line is affected by people who can’t spell the bottom line.
Friday, July 13, 2007
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
The RTs
Today we will define a key term. It’s called the RTs and it will soon become a large part of your everyday vernacular. The RTs stand for ‘Retarded Tingles’. Now, while not politically correct, the term is a perfect descriptor of a well known emotional response. The RTs are what happens when something or someone is so uncomfortable or awkward that there is a physical reaction when witnessing the event…a tingle of sorts. Let us try to describe with examples.
Generally speaking, whenever anyone breaks into song outside of a “song singing” context…it’s the RTs. When someone enters into a conversation by making a joke that derails everything…it’s the RTs. Forced high-fives? Yep, the RTs. A lot of role playing, dance moves, over actors, cheeseballs, nicknames, inside jokes, etc…evoke the RTs.
The scene in Almost Famous when Kate Hudson enters the room and launches into a monologue which takes the form of an airline flight attendant. The way everyone in the room stops what they’re doing to listen to her, the glee in their faces as she perfectly recites instructions, the fact that the analogy goes on way too long and eventually someone would’ve yelled ‘shut the fuck up already, you’re killing my buzz’…that is the RTs.
The final scene in A League of Their Own (what? I’m not ashamed to admit it) where the ladies all regroup at the Hall of Fame and casually break into song. “We are the ladies of, the all American league…” I got the RTs just from writing that sentence. Most of ‘Remember the Titans’ is RTs…I guess anytime people break into a song or dance routine and everyone knows the steps/words already, it’s the RTs. Every episode of Saved by the Bell was littered with RTs.
I use movie and TV examples because they’re easy for all of you to relate to. But the RTs occur each and everyday right in your own backyard. Soon, you’ll find the term RTs impossible to part with.
Monday, July 9, 2007
The 5 worst ideas from EAT IT
Apples and Moustaches reporter Jericho Royall recently attended the Entrepreneurs Attending Today will Invigorate Tomorrow conference, aka EAT IT, with the hopes of publishing (okay we admit it, partnering with or stealing) some of the best ideas and brightest minds in this space. However, after a few minutes on the floor and the sheer number of awful, awful ideas, Jericho’s mindset changed and this column took on a new life of its own. What follows are the 5 weirdest, most offensive and just plain dumb ideas presented at this year’s EAT IT.
1.
The pitch: A vintage clothing store with pictures and bios of all the previous owners attached to each item.
Jericho’s take: I love vintage clothes as much as the next guy, the key word being “vintage” and not “used.” The key to buying vintage clothes is immediately washing them and hanging them in the closet for a few days before wearing them; that way they look and smell like you and you forget all about the whole “used” thing. When you’re trying on a small, denim, button-up cowboy shirt, with bright red wagons on the back and two lassos over each nipple, the last thing you want to know is who owned and it and what they did while wearing it. I’ve got enough problems.
2.
The pitch: ‘The Baby-sitter’s Club’ books re-imagined and re-written to focus on a group of pedophiles called the ‘The Baby-Splitter’s Club.’
Jericho’s take: By far the creepiest booth of the day, the Splitters set up their entire booth to resemble the back of an ice cream truck. Very surreal. Good Otter Pops though.
3.
The pitch: A casting agency that specifically finds roles for old women to swear in Adam Sandler movies called ‘We’re Fucking Old.’
Jericho’s take: You know how in every Adam Sandler movie there’s a scene where an old woman says a swear word? Along with the kick in the nuts this might be Sandler’s must trusted comedic trick. Well, these folks are trying to capitalize on that by forming a business around placing old women in these roles. The technology is pretty interesting, you grandma or whomever, can actually screen test right over the phone. Seems more like a contest than a business, but who knows? People do love Sandler.
4.
The pitch: A company that combines your favorite historical moment with your most erotic fantasies. You choose your favorite moment and they will re-imagine and re-enact the entire thing as a sexual situation. Couples, singles and swingers are all welcome.
Jericho’s take: Very interesting, but very complex and crazy, crazy expensive. You complete an online profile that details everything from your sexual likes and dislikes to your favorite and least favorite president. They create your sexual scenario or “SexNario” as they have trademarked it, and cast the different roles with actors, people you know, or a combination of both depending on the complexity of the SexNario. I think this is a great idea, but at $20k a pop is really only feasible to a select few. Also, I know they are still in the early stages and all, but there are a few things that are just inexcusable, I mean, why did Helen Keller keep looking back at me, wasn’t she blind? They’ve got too many kinks like that to get my endorsement.
5.
The pitch: The anti-Viagra, a cooling system that was designed to quickly get rid of embarrassing or untimely erections, which they are referring to as “Erectile Exuberance.”
Jericho’s take: Where was this when I was eleven? Here’s the scoop, you wear specially lined underwear that has a cooling system built into the lower bottom. The cooling system connects wirelessly to a watch, so if you ever feel an “iffy stiffy” coming on, you can tap the watch face three times and a blast of cold air will be sent at your testicles. The watch monitors your blood pressure and as soon as levels have returned to normal, or in their words, “the rock is out of your cock,” the cooling system will shut down and go back into hibernation mode. A pretty clever idea, but what’s the demographic for this? And why can't I get this in boxer briefs?
1.
The pitch: A vintage clothing store with pictures and bios of all the previous owners attached to each item.
Jericho’s take: I love vintage clothes as much as the next guy, the key word being “vintage” and not “used.” The key to buying vintage clothes is immediately washing them and hanging them in the closet for a few days before wearing them; that way they look and smell like you and you forget all about the whole “used” thing. When you’re trying on a small, denim, button-up cowboy shirt, with bright red wagons on the back and two lassos over each nipple, the last thing you want to know is who owned and it and what they did while wearing it. I’ve got enough problems.
2.
The pitch: ‘The Baby-sitter’s Club’ books re-imagined and re-written to focus on a group of pedophiles called the ‘The Baby-Splitter’s Club.’
Jericho’s take: By far the creepiest booth of the day, the Splitters set up their entire booth to resemble the back of an ice cream truck. Very surreal. Good Otter Pops though.
3.
The pitch: A casting agency that specifically finds roles for old women to swear in Adam Sandler movies called ‘We’re Fucking Old.’
Jericho’s take: You know how in every Adam Sandler movie there’s a scene where an old woman says a swear word? Along with the kick in the nuts this might be Sandler’s must trusted comedic trick. Well, these folks are trying to capitalize on that by forming a business around placing old women in these roles. The technology is pretty interesting, you grandma or whomever, can actually screen test right over the phone. Seems more like a contest than a business, but who knows? People do love Sandler.
4.
The pitch: A company that combines your favorite historical moment with your most erotic fantasies. You choose your favorite moment and they will re-imagine and re-enact the entire thing as a sexual situation. Couples, singles and swingers are all welcome.
Jericho’s take: Very interesting, but very complex and crazy, crazy expensive. You complete an online profile that details everything from your sexual likes and dislikes to your favorite and least favorite president. They create your sexual scenario or “SexNario” as they have trademarked it, and cast the different roles with actors, people you know, or a combination of both depending on the complexity of the SexNario. I think this is a great idea, but at $20k a pop is really only feasible to a select few. Also, I know they are still in the early stages and all, but there are a few things that are just inexcusable, I mean, why did Helen Keller keep looking back at me, wasn’t she blind? They’ve got too many kinks like that to get my endorsement.
5.
The pitch: The anti-Viagra, a cooling system that was designed to quickly get rid of embarrassing or untimely erections, which they are referring to as “Erectile Exuberance.”
Jericho’s take: Where was this when I was eleven? Here’s the scoop, you wear specially lined underwear that has a cooling system built into the lower bottom. The cooling system connects wirelessly to a watch, so if you ever feel an “iffy stiffy” coming on, you can tap the watch face three times and a blast of cold air will be sent at your testicles. The watch monitors your blood pressure and as soon as levels have returned to normal, or in their words, “the rock is out of your cock,” the cooling system will shut down and go back into hibernation mode. A pretty clever idea, but what’s the demographic for this? And why can't I get this in boxer briefs?
Box Office Results: 7/06/07
1.
Movie: Transformers
Prediction: $53 million (does not include weekday returns, just the weekend)
Actual: $67 million
Wow! With $152 million in its first week (including sneak previews on Monday night and the official opening on Tuesday), Transformers has already covered its production costs ($150 million). Typically movies that open on a Wednesday drop 30-40% for the weekend, but Transformers only dropped 16%.
2.
Movie: Ratatouille
Prediction: $26 million
Actual: $29 million
I predicted a 42% drop. It dropped 38%. I feel good about this.
3.
Movie: Die Hard 4
Prediction: $17 million
Actual: $17 million
Gotcha.
4.
Movie: License to Wed
Prediction: $10 million
Actual: $10 million
Feel really, really good about this one. Suck it, Adam.
5.
Movie: Evan Almighty
Prediction: $8 million
Actual: $8 million
6.
Movie: 1408
Prediction: $6 million
Actual: $7 million
Close enough.
7.
Movie: Knocked Up
Prediction: N/A
Actual: $5 million
Thought this would drop a little more. With a production budget of $30 million and a gross of $132, this is without a doubt the biggest hit of the summer.
8.
Movie: Fantastic Four 2
Prediction: $4.5 million
Actual: $4 million
Who fucking cares? This movie is like Dane Cook, just go the fuck away already.
*Every Friday and Monday Apples and Moustaches predicts and publishes box office returns. Jerricho Royall bases all of his predictions on his lifelong fascination with bad movies and stupid people and how the combination of the two directly affects the weekly box office. Apples and Moustaches Box Office Report, (aka AMBOR): Because it’s pretty incredible how much the bottom line is affected by people who can’t spell the bottom line.
Movie: Transformers
Prediction: $53 million (does not include weekday returns, just the weekend)
Actual: $67 million
Wow! With $152 million in its first week (including sneak previews on Monday night and the official opening on Tuesday), Transformers has already covered its production costs ($150 million). Typically movies that open on a Wednesday drop 30-40% for the weekend, but Transformers only dropped 16%.
2.
Movie: Ratatouille
Prediction: $26 million
Actual: $29 million
I predicted a 42% drop. It dropped 38%. I feel good about this.
3.
Movie: Die Hard 4
Prediction: $17 million
Actual: $17 million
Gotcha.
4.
Movie: License to Wed
Prediction: $10 million
Actual: $10 million
Feel really, really good about this one. Suck it, Adam.
5.
Movie: Evan Almighty
Prediction: $8 million
Actual: $8 million
6.
Movie: 1408
Prediction: $6 million
Actual: $7 million
Close enough.
7.
Movie: Knocked Up
Prediction: N/A
Actual: $5 million
Thought this would drop a little more. With a production budget of $30 million and a gross of $132, this is without a doubt the biggest hit of the summer.
8.
Movie: Fantastic Four 2
Prediction: $4.5 million
Actual: $4 million
Who fucking cares? This movie is like Dane Cook, just go the fuck away already.
*Every Friday and Monday Apples and Moustaches predicts and publishes box office returns. Jerricho Royall bases all of his predictions on his lifelong fascination with bad movies and stupid people and how the combination of the two directly affects the weekly box office. Apples and Moustaches Box Office Report, (aka AMBOR): Because it’s pretty incredible how much the bottom line is affected by people who can’t spell the bottom line.
Friday, July 6, 2007
5 Random Thoughts on a Friday
• Anthony Kedis is the luckiest guy alive. Sure, he’s good looking, he has a decent voice and he has incredible style…but when it’s all said and done, Red Hot Chili Peppers will go down as one of the best bands of all time. And isn’t he kinda riding the musical coattails of his bandmates? It could be argued that his “look” is a critical part of RHCP as a whole, but I personally think he’s the weak link in the band. Flea is one of the best bassists of all time and John Frusciante is incredible on lead guitar. But what do I know? These are just random thoughts.
• The people who work at Whole Foods are incredible. They are complete caricatures of themselves. Of course you have to have the requisite tattoos, piercings and hair style to work there…but you also gain an air of self importance upon employment. Like whatever it is that you’re saying or doing, or talking about, is THE coolest shit since the prepared foods section. Now generally they aren’t condescending or impolite, don’t get me wrong. But damn it if they aren’t cooler than cool.
• I’ve never seen Braveheart or Monster’s Inc. I don’t like the Smashing Pumpkins or Counting Crows. Caffeine doesn’t really affect me. I’ve cried at one movie in my life, Philadelphia. I can run a mile in 7 and a half minutes. I think Jay-z’s “Big Pimpin’ and ‘Freaks of the Industry’ are two of the best beats of all time. Reading Rick Reily’s columns infuriate me. I unquestionably support and root for Barry Bonds. My favorite color is Blue.
• Work is like a minimum security prison. You have to report everyday at a certain time every day (bed check). You are confined to an office/cube which contains your personal items (jail cell). You can leave, but if you must always stay in touch via phone or email. (Parole officers). At least there aren’t group showers at work.
• This season of Entourage is terrible. The dialogue couldn’t be more simple and boring. It’s like the hired a few 7th graders and asked them to write. The endless Medellin plot is getting tired. There has been ZERO nudity since season 2 and plot lines are dropped from week to week. What happened to Turtle’s girlfriend? What happened to E’s girlfriend? Remember when Lloyd was funny? Now he just makes stereotypical gay/asian comments and Ari retorts. It’s amazing how quickly a show can go from funny/creative to simple and boring. I’ll still watch it though.
Box Office Prediction: 7/6/07
1.
Movie: Transformers
Prediction: $53 million (does not include weekday returns, just the weekend)
2.
Movie: Ratatouille
Prediction: $26 million
3.
Movie: Die Hard 4
Prediction: $17 million
4.
Movie: License to Wed
Prediction: $10 million
5.
Movie: Evan Almighty
Prediction: $8 million
6.
Movie: 1408
Prediction: $6 million
7.
Movie: Fantastic Four 2
Prediction: $4.5 million
Movie: Transformers
Prediction: $53 million (does not include weekday returns, just the weekend)
2.
Movie: Ratatouille
Prediction: $26 million
3.
Movie: Die Hard 4
Prediction: $17 million
4.
Movie: License to Wed
Prediction: $10 million
5.
Movie: Evan Almighty
Prediction: $8 million
6.
Movie: 1408
Prediction: $6 million
7.
Movie: Fantastic Four 2
Prediction: $4.5 million
Monday, July 2, 2007
Box Office Results: 6/29/07
1.
Movie: Ratatouille
Prediction: $72 million
Actual: $47 million
Yikes, I overshot this by $25 million. I was banking on the fact that this was the first real kids movie to open this year and I thought it would post a much bigger number. Pixar movies have slowly been declining in popularity the last few years though, so maybe this isn’t as big as of a surprise as it seems.
2.
Movie: Die Hard 4
Prediction: $39 million (does not include Weds and Thurs money, just the weekend)
Actual: $33 million
Overshot this by about 6, hard to predict the weekend when a movie opens on a Wednesday.
3.
Movie: Evan Almighty
Prediction: $16 million
Actual: $15 million
Got it.
4.
Movie: 1408
Prediction: $10 million
Actual: $10 million
Yup.
5.
Movie: Fantastic Four 2
Prediction: $ 7 million
Actual: $9 million
Whatever.
6.
Movie: Knocked Up
Prediction: $7 million
Actual: $7 million
Yes please.
7.
Movie: Ocean’s 3
Prediction: N/A
Actual: $7 million
Dropped this from top 7 b/c I thought Sicko would perform much better, which leads me to:
9.
Movie: Sicko
Prediction: $18 million
Actual: $5 million
By far my biggest blunder of the weekend. Fahrenheit 911 opened with $21 and I figured this film would mirror that but drop a few points. All of the people who are listening to Paris talk and believing that she’s reformed will understand this feeling in three months when’s she photographed at Pure with coke stains on her upper lip and half a yak sticking out of her vagina.
Movie: Ratatouille
Prediction: $72 million
Actual: $47 million
Yikes, I overshot this by $25 million. I was banking on the fact that this was the first real kids movie to open this year and I thought it would post a much bigger number. Pixar movies have slowly been declining in popularity the last few years though, so maybe this isn’t as big as of a surprise as it seems.
2.
Movie: Die Hard 4
Prediction: $39 million (does not include Weds and Thurs money, just the weekend)
Actual: $33 million
Overshot this by about 6, hard to predict the weekend when a movie opens on a Wednesday.
3.
Movie: Evan Almighty
Prediction: $16 million
Actual: $15 million
Got it.
4.
Movie: 1408
Prediction: $10 million
Actual: $10 million
Yup.
5.
Movie: Fantastic Four 2
Prediction: $ 7 million
Actual: $9 million
Whatever.
6.
Movie: Knocked Up
Prediction: $7 million
Actual: $7 million
Yes please.
7.
Movie: Ocean’s 3
Prediction: N/A
Actual: $7 million
Dropped this from top 7 b/c I thought Sicko would perform much better, which leads me to:
9.
Movie: Sicko
Prediction: $18 million
Actual: $5 million
By far my biggest blunder of the weekend. Fahrenheit 911 opened with $21 and I figured this film would mirror that but drop a few points. All of the people who are listening to Paris talk and believing that she’s reformed will understand this feeling in three months when’s she photographed at Pure with coke stains on her upper lip and half a yak sticking out of her vagina.
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