Apple
In an effort to appeal to its Hebrew audiences, Disney is remaking Toy Story with all Jewish toys – Woody will be a plastic Rabbi named Goldie and Buzz will be a futuristic dradle named Gavrel Spinstein – the title of the movie: Goy Story.
Moustache
Did you hear that NAMBLA’s President Timothy Ploughington has launched a presidential campaign? He’s vowing to fix Bush’s educational platform, amending the program to read: No Child Left Without Something in Their Behind.
Apple
On a scale of one to five of ball-pinching leg wedgies – with one being a wedgie you can fix by playing pocket pool under your desk and a five being “I’m going to a stall and starting over” – I’m about a 4.5 right now. My right nut feels like Winnie the Pooh when he got stuck in Rabbit’s house after eating all that honey.
Moustache
If there’s a better line to ask a sales person at Banana Republic than, “excuse me, do these chinos make my dick look too big?” then I haven’t heard it.
Apple
I’ve officially entered the “please just shut the fuck up and highlight the clip” portion of my relationship with Chris Berman. I never, ever thought I’d get here. Maybe it’s the weird “Blitz” thing, maybe it was one too many verbal Favre undercarriage licks, maybe it’s the dumb way he makes a prediction and then stares at the camera with that half cocked, “I’m fucking starving” look during the draft, maybe I’ve gotten to the point where I’m watching a little too much football related TV, I don’t know what it is, but I feel like Boom hasn’t said anything relevant in five years. I’m kind of depressed about this actually. Boom was always the Dre to TJ’s Snoop, but maybe it’s time for him to give up the game and just start doing steroids in the hills like Dre does.
Moustache
When you were 14 watching Michael Jordan in the playoffs – did you ever think to yourself, “you know what? One day they’re going to totally reinvent Sports Center and build the entire show around Hannah Storm?” What the fuck is that? If you flash forward fifteen years and the Oscars are named the Shias then we’ll know where the precedent came from.
Apple
The VMAs were incredibly depressing for me this year – it really drove home how fucking old I am. Who the fuck are these people? Who the fuck is Taylor Swift? Jordin Sparks? The Ting Tings? Am I that old? Remember when you were a little kid and you’d be watching the VMAs and your mom would walk in and see 2Pac bopping around the stage and say “what’s wrong with his pants?” Well, who the fuck is Flo Rida? And what’s wrong with his pants?
1 comment:
Welcome to the club. I feel the same way. Me and the others here at the home got stuck watching the VMA's because that nurse who doesn't speak English and is real rough when she wipes you if she doesn't like you had left that TV station on and nobody could get up and change it. They really had some strange orchestras playing and crooners singing. What is wrong that these young men can't even buy the right sized trousers and they always are falling down and they need to hold them up? And the young ladies with their boozums protruding suggestively from their shirts. In fact if you put the men with the loose trousers next to the girls with their boozums showing and one of the boys accidently lets go of his trousers you might have a special TV moment like when the Beatlles were on Ed Sullivan but only more modern. But I digress.
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