1.
Movie: The Simpsons Movie
Prediction: $55 million
2.
Movie: Chuck and Larry
Prediction: $19 million
3.
Movie: Harry Potter 5
Prediction: $18 million
4.
Movie: Hairspray
Prediction: $15 million
5.
Movie: Transformers
Prediction: $12 million
6.
Movie: No Reservations
Prediction: $10.5 million
7.
Movie: Ratatouille
Prediction: $6.5 million
105.
Movie: I Know Who Killed Me
Prediction: “I’m totally innocent! They weren’t even my pants!”
*Every Friday and Monday Apples and Moustaches predicts and publishes box office returns. Jericho Royall bases all of his predictions on his lifelong fascination with bad movies and stupid people and how the combination of the two directly affects the weekly box office. Apples and Moustaches Box Office Report, (aka AMBOR): Because it’s pretty incredible how much the bottom line is affected by people who can’t spell the bottom line.
Friday, July 27, 2007
Thursday, July 26, 2007
No Reservations: I’ve Got Tons of Reservations
I was originally going to write a long, crass, scathing diatribe about the Catherine Zeta-Jones movie No Reservations. You know, something about how fucking dumb this looks, how the great Aaron Eckhart is being wasted yet again, how I’d rather give Ben Wallace a slow, emotional hand job in the shower than go see this. But honestly, that’s not very interesting and way, way too easy, sort of like seeing Lindsay Lohan’s naked boobs if you’ve got coke at 4am.
(Btw, how fucking dumb is this chick? The most amazing part about her last arrest is that she’s trying to play the, “it wasn’t mine card.” It’s in her fucking pocket! This isn’t junior high, you can’t use the, “Mom, I swear it’s Billy’s” excuse on the police. Christ. This is felony possession of a narcotic not the fucking Parent Trap! Maybe she should’ve said it was the British twin’s coke and not hers. Amazing.).
So anyway, I started to think about all of the reasons why I didn’t want to see No Reservations (there were many) but by far the biggest turn off was the idea of Catherine Zeta-Jones playing an up-and-coming chef. I like CT-Z, she’s talented, has a classic movie star beauty and loves old man penis (which, granted, is weird, but at least gives her a cool characteristic to mention when writing dumb blog posts about someone not that interesting), but I don’t like CT-Z as an up-and-coming anything.
She can play a princess (The Mask of Zorro and it’s sequel Zorro Has To Pay For Melanie’s New Boobs), a smoking hot trophy wife (Traffic, Intolerable Cruelty) or a bitchy actress (America’s Sweethearts, Chicago), possibly better than anyone, which perhaps is the root of the problem. She’s been type-cast as one of those aforementioned roles because of the way she looks, the roles she’s chosen and the pics we see of her in her personal life. Is CT-Z a raving, spoiled princess in real life? I have no idea, but there’s more evidence that points to yes than no and because of that I’ll never buy her as anything but.
Which brings up a larger point: When as a society did we start letting our preconceived notions and our preoccupation with socio-economical status affect our perceptions of art?
Just kidding. I didn’t realize that I had type-casted CT-Z in my mind until I saw the No Reservations trailer and that made me realize all of the different ways that we categorize actors and actresses whether it be for personal reasons, roles they've taken or a combination of both. So without further ado, here are the 7 ways that people can be type-casted.
1.
Type: Special Talent
Definition: someone is so good at something we don’t want them to do anything else.
Example: Joe Pesci and Harey Keitel in tough guy movies, Harrison Ford in action movies, Meg Ryan in romantic comedies.
2.
Type: Very Hot With No Talent Whatsoever
Definition: someone who is really attractive but can’t act and we don’t buy them in any role in which they aren’t the token hot person.
Example: Cameron Diaz in Gangs of New York, Heather Graham in anything that doesn’t have Boogie in the title, all future bad movies starring Jessica Biel, Jessica Alba and Megan Fox.
3.
Type: Talented Assholes
Definition: someone who is type-casted by their behavior or lifestyle outside of their work and it’s impossible to believe them in certain roles.
Example: CT-Z in No Reservations, Gwyneth Paltrow in View From the Top (Gwyneth as a girl who dreamed of becoming a flight attendant so she could go to Paris? Um, no), Russell Crowe in A Good Year (no one wants to watch Russell Crowe find himself…when you throw phones at people the only place people want to see you find yourself is at the bottom of an alligator pit).
4.
Type: Huge Stars in Showy Indie Roles
Definition: a massive star takes a small, high profile part in an “indie” movie and even though they might be great and the movies might be awesome we can’t get past the fact that they’re massive stars and it hurts the performance.
Example: Brad Pitt in Babel, Tom Cruise in Magnolia.
5.
Type: Iconic Characters
Definition: someone plays a career-defining role literally, they create such an indelible character that we always look at them as such and can’t buy them as anyone else.
Example: Sean Connery as Bond, Anthony Hopkins as Hannibal Lecter, Napoleon Dynamite as Napoleon Dynamite, Matthew McConaughey as Wooderson, all future movies with James Gandolfini.
6.
Type: Themselves
Definition: these are people who always seem to be playing themselves, you never think of them as a character, they’re just wearing different clothes and saying different things.
Example: Arnold, Sly, Woody Allen, Denzel Washington.
7.
Type: One Hit Wonders
Definition: someone who absolutely kills their first role and we expect great things from them, but as we realize they aren’t really that talented we just want them to go back and play their first character all over again.
Example: Kate Hudson in Almost Famous, Edward Furlong in Terminator 2, Mark Wahlberg in Boogie Nights, Michael Clarke Duncan in the Green Mile.
Example: Joe Pesci and Harey Keitel in tough guy movies, Harrison Ford in action movies, Meg Ryan in romantic comedies.
2.
Type: Very Hot With No Talent Whatsoever
Definition: someone who is really attractive but can’t act and we don’t buy them in any role in which they aren’t the token hot person.
Example: Cameron Diaz in Gangs of New York, Heather Graham in anything that doesn’t have Boogie in the title, all future bad movies starring Jessica Biel, Jessica Alba and Megan Fox.
3.
Type: Talented Assholes
Definition: someone who is type-casted by their behavior or lifestyle outside of their work and it’s impossible to believe them in certain roles.
Example: CT-Z in No Reservations, Gwyneth Paltrow in View From the Top (Gwyneth as a girl who dreamed of becoming a flight attendant so she could go to Paris? Um, no), Russell Crowe in A Good Year (no one wants to watch Russell Crowe find himself…when you throw phones at people the only place people want to see you find yourself is at the bottom of an alligator pit).
4.
Type: Huge Stars in Showy Indie Roles
Definition: a massive star takes a small, high profile part in an “indie” movie and even though they might be great and the movies might be awesome we can’t get past the fact that they’re massive stars and it hurts the performance.
Example: Brad Pitt in Babel, Tom Cruise in Magnolia.
5.
Type: Iconic Characters
Definition: someone plays a career-defining role literally, they create such an indelible character that we always look at them as such and can’t buy them as anyone else.
Example: Sean Connery as Bond, Anthony Hopkins as Hannibal Lecter, Napoleon Dynamite as Napoleon Dynamite, Matthew McConaughey as Wooderson, all future movies with James Gandolfini.
6.
Type: Themselves
Definition: these are people who always seem to be playing themselves, you never think of them as a character, they’re just wearing different clothes and saying different things.
Example: Arnold, Sly, Woody Allen, Denzel Washington.
7.
Type: One Hit Wonders
Definition: someone who absolutely kills their first role and we expect great things from them, but as we realize they aren’t really that talented we just want them to go back and play their first character all over again.
Example: Kate Hudson in Almost Famous, Edward Furlong in Terminator 2, Mark Wahlberg in Boogie Nights, Michael Clarke Duncan in the Green Mile.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Box Office Results: 7/20/07
1.
Movie: Chuck and Larry
Prediction: $35 million
Actual: $34 million
Was right about this one but needed to toggle the order a bit; although I do think that this can be more attributed to Harry’s drop then Sandler’s appeal. Harry dropped almost 60% from last weekend, obviously a major slip but not unexpected with a Wednesday opening. Still, I thought Harry would drop about 50-55% and win the weekend. Definitely have to give Sandler his props though; this is his 8th movie to open with 30+ million, that’s amazing.
2.
Movie: Harry Potter 5
Prediction: $37 million
Actual: $32.5 million
3.
Movie: Hairspray
Prediction: $16 million
Actual: $27 million
Other sites will explain this opening with terms like “cross programming,” “avant-garde appeal,” “nostalgic fun,” and “female demographic pull.” At this site you’ll get terms like “shocked,” “stunned,” “bamboozled,” and “double horse fuck this piece of horse shit movie.”
4.
Movie: Transformers
Prediction: $21 million
Actual: $20 million
Mmm…that sounds good, I’ll have that.
5.
Movie: Ratatouille
Prediction: $13 million
Actual: $11 million
Sure.
6.
Movie: Die Hard 4
Prediction: $9 million
Actual: $7.5 million
A little over, but close enough.
7.
Movie: License to Wed
Prediction: $4.5 million
Actual: $3.5 million
Whatever.
*Every Friday and Monday Apples and Moustaches predicts and publishes box office returns. Jerricho Royall bases all of his predictions on his lifelong fascination with bad movies and stupid people and how the combination of the two directly affects the weekly box office. Apples and Moustaches Box Office Report, (aka AMBOR): Because it’s pretty incredible how much the bottom line is affected by people who can’t spell the bottom line.
Movie: Chuck and Larry
Prediction: $35 million
Actual: $34 million
Was right about this one but needed to toggle the order a bit; although I do think that this can be more attributed to Harry’s drop then Sandler’s appeal. Harry dropped almost 60% from last weekend, obviously a major slip but not unexpected with a Wednesday opening. Still, I thought Harry would drop about 50-55% and win the weekend. Definitely have to give Sandler his props though; this is his 8th movie to open with 30+ million, that’s amazing.
2.
Movie: Harry Potter 5
Prediction: $37 million
Actual: $32.5 million
3.
Movie: Hairspray
Prediction: $16 million
Actual: $27 million
Other sites will explain this opening with terms like “cross programming,” “avant-garde appeal,” “nostalgic fun,” and “female demographic pull.” At this site you’ll get terms like “shocked,” “stunned,” “bamboozled,” and “double horse fuck this piece of horse shit movie.”
4.
Movie: Transformers
Prediction: $21 million
Actual: $20 million
Mmm…that sounds good, I’ll have that.
5.
Movie: Ratatouille
Prediction: $13 million
Actual: $11 million
Sure.
6.
Movie: Die Hard 4
Prediction: $9 million
Actual: $7.5 million
A little over, but close enough.
7.
Movie: License to Wed
Prediction: $4.5 million
Actual: $3.5 million
Whatever.
*Every Friday and Monday Apples and Moustaches predicts and publishes box office returns. Jerricho Royall bases all of his predictions on his lifelong fascination with bad movies and stupid people and how the combination of the two directly affects the weekly box office. Apples and Moustaches Box Office Report, (aka AMBOR): Because it’s pretty incredible how much the bottom line is affected by people who can’t spell the bottom line.
Friday, July 20, 2007
A Fat and Happy Weekend
Yes. This weekend is my bachelor party. I’m about as excited as Marge Schott when she used to leave a few extra kibbles n’ bits in her front pocket. I’m about as excited as Rashard Lewis when he realized he’s being paid in a 2007 market and not a 1987 one. I’m about as excited as the fat guy on Lost. (I’ve actually never seen Lost, but I imagine he’s happy with his life. He’s grossly obese and on a hit show as the big fat guy. Lose weight? Can’t do it. It’s his ‘character’. Fat and happy. Reminds me of our family Pug Oliver. Man, that dog was fat. We just kept reasoning, if we have to constantly monitor what we eat/exercise/etc, why would we make the dog do the same. Let him be fat and happy. Oliver died of Kidney failure at the early age of 5.)
Ten predictions for my bachelor party weekend:
1. Moody will be lost for over 4 hours where nobody knows where he is or what he’s been up to. He’ll give ambiguous answers like ‘being tough’ or ‘worry about it’ when asked what he was up to.
2. My little brother will get properly drunk. (he’s a week away from his 21st birthday)
3. Casey will be the most hung over on multiple mornings. (this is an easy one. Bet whatever you have on this one)
4. I will talk tough about ‘man’ing the barbecue but will wind up relinquishing my duties to Warren who, though difficult to admit it, is a far superior BBQ’r than I.
5. Devin will get surly and start talking. He doesn’t talk much, unless he’s drinking, then you can’t shut him up.
6. Josh will be Josh. A prediction that only makes sense to people who actually know Josh. God Bless Josh.
7. I will strike out 10+ batters in our wiffle ball game.
8. I will call Kate more than 5 times.
9. And though I will try my best, I will completely blow my ‘I got a tuxedo to squeeze into’ diet.
10. By Monday I will be glad it’s over and not talking to at least 3 of my friends.
Damn it I’m fired up.
Box Office Prediction: 7/20/07
1.
Movie: Harry Potter 5
Prediction: $37 million
2.
Movie: Chuck and Larry
Prediction: $35 million
3.
Movie: Transformers
Prediction: $21 million
4.
Movie: Hairspray
Prediction: $16 million
5.
Ratatouille
Prediction: $13 million
6.
Movie: Die Hard 4
Prediction: $7.5 million
7.
Movie: License to Wed
Prediction: $4.5 million
*Every Friday and Monday Apples and Moustaches predicts and publishes box office returns. Jerricho Royall bases all of his predictions on his lifelong fascination with bad movies and stupid people and how the combination of the two directly affects the weekly box office. Apples and Moustaches Box Office Report, (aka AMBOR): Because it’s pretty incredible how much the bottom line is affected by people who can’t spell the bottom line.
Movie: Harry Potter 5
Prediction: $37 million
2.
Movie: Chuck and Larry
Prediction: $35 million
3.
Movie: Transformers
Prediction: $21 million
4.
Movie: Hairspray
Prediction: $16 million
5.
Ratatouille
Prediction: $13 million
6.
Movie: Die Hard 4
Prediction: $7.5 million
7.
Movie: License to Wed
Prediction: $4.5 million
*Every Friday and Monday Apples and Moustaches predicts and publishes box office returns. Jerricho Royall bases all of his predictions on his lifelong fascination with bad movies and stupid people and how the combination of the two directly affects the weekly box office. Apples and Moustaches Box Office Report, (aka AMBOR): Because it’s pretty incredible how much the bottom line is affected by people who can’t spell the bottom line.
Monday, July 16, 2007
There’s Lots of Reasons Not to See Hairspray. Here’s One More.
I’ll admit from the start that I’m completely, unabashedly biased when it comes to modern musicals: I absolutely fucking hate them. Annoying, deliberate, over-produced, cheesy, boring; I think the best way to describe the difference between old school musicals (Singin’ In the Rain, The Sound of Music) and new age, modern musicals (Chicago) is that in the old school ones the characters broke out into song because they had to, there was no way to sum up their feelings or explain the situation with words. I realize that sounds cheesy, but it’s 100% true. In modern musicals the songs are big, showy, expensive sequences that exist just to exist not to advance the plot, almost like a special effect. There’s a deliberateness that completely kills the magic, kind of like having a standing, weekly blowjob with your wife. “It’s 10, honey, better spit your gum out.”
Back to Hairspray, if the above wasn’t enough, here’s another valid reason to skip: John Travolta. More specifically, Travolta is playing the Edna Turnblad role made famous by Divine. More specifically still, John Travolta, an outspoken scientologist, a religion that completely shuns homosexuals and disrespects their rights, is playing the role originated by Divine, a famous transvestite performer and hero in the gay community.
What the fuck? Why doesn’t this bother anyone? Why isn’t the gay and lesbian community absolutely outraged by this? How is this okay? If a scientologist can play a transvestite can an anti-Semite play a holocaust survivor? Can a pedophile play a catholic priest (kidding), or a misogynist play a good husband? Shouldn’t there be a common sense screening process for something like this? I mean, Mel Gibson probably shouldn’t play Moses. Michael Jackson probably shouldn’t play the Michael Caine part if they remake The Cider House Rules. John Rocker probably shouldn’t play Bobby Kennedy. But it’s OK for a scientologist to play a transvestite? I just don’t get that.
I realize this could be a gay rights column or a critique of the movie business column or a philosophical column that argues whether or not you can ever really separate the artist from their art, but frankly I’m not smart enough to write either one. But I do know that I fucking hate modern musicals, I’m pissed that no one else is pissed about Travolta being in Divine’s role and I think that if you’re going to bastardize a classic by remaking it you should consider how much worse the bastardizing will be when you cast someone whose beliefs conflict with everything the original role represented. I am now off the Budweiser Hot Seat. Thanks.
Box Office Results: 7/13/07
1.
Movie: Harry Potter 5
Prediction: $85 million (does not include weekday returns, just the weekend)
Actual: $77 million
With numbers this big, I think overestimating by 7 counts as a win. Will be interesting to see how much this drops next weekend; this was first Potter movie to open on a Wednesday which led to the biggest opening 5 day run of the franchise so far. Look for a really steep drop, 55% or so next weekend.
2.
Movie: Transformers
Prediction: $38 million
Actual: $36 million
Yes please.
3.
Movie: Ratatouille
Prediction: $18 million
Actual: $18 million
Oooh that feels good.
4.
Movie: Die Hard 4
Prediction: $9 million
Actual: $10 million
I’m doffing my hat to the crowd like a golfer on 18 right now.
5.
Captivity
Prediction: $8 million
Actual: $1.5 million
Yikes. I hate horror movies. I hate them for a myriad of reasons, but the main reason today is because they are so difficult to predict at the BO. Underestimating this by $10 wouldn’t have surprised me at all so overestimating by $6.5 isn’t that much of shock either. Oh well.
6.
Movie: Evan Almighty
Prediction: $5 million
Actual: $5 million
Thank you.
7.
Movie: License to Wed
Prediction: $4.5 million
Actual: $7.5 million
Wow, this movie has much better staying power than I thought. I guess being the only romantic comedy out has its perks, although since the consensus of reviews went like this, “would rather be raped by elephant” I thought this would fade a bit quicker.
*Every Friday and Monday Apples and Moustaches predicts and publishes box office returns. Jericho Royall bases all of his predictions on his lifelong fascination with bad movies and stupid people and how the combination of the two directly affects the weekly box office. Apples and Moustaches Box Office Report, (aka AMBOR): Because it’s pretty incredible how much the bottom line is affected by people who can’t spell the bottom line.
Movie: Harry Potter 5
Prediction: $85 million (does not include weekday returns, just the weekend)
Actual: $77 million
With numbers this big, I think overestimating by 7 counts as a win. Will be interesting to see how much this drops next weekend; this was first Potter movie to open on a Wednesday which led to the biggest opening 5 day run of the franchise so far. Look for a really steep drop, 55% or so next weekend.
2.
Movie: Transformers
Prediction: $38 million
Actual: $36 million
Yes please.
3.
Movie: Ratatouille
Prediction: $18 million
Actual: $18 million
Oooh that feels good.
4.
Movie: Die Hard 4
Prediction: $9 million
Actual: $10 million
I’m doffing my hat to the crowd like a golfer on 18 right now.
5.
Captivity
Prediction: $8 million
Actual: $1.5 million
Yikes. I hate horror movies. I hate them for a myriad of reasons, but the main reason today is because they are so difficult to predict at the BO. Underestimating this by $10 wouldn’t have surprised me at all so overestimating by $6.5 isn’t that much of shock either. Oh well.
6.
Movie: Evan Almighty
Prediction: $5 million
Actual: $5 million
Thank you.
7.
Movie: License to Wed
Prediction: $4.5 million
Actual: $7.5 million
Wow, this movie has much better staying power than I thought. I guess being the only romantic comedy out has its perks, although since the consensus of reviews went like this, “would rather be raped by elephant” I thought this would fade a bit quicker.
*Every Friday and Monday Apples and Moustaches predicts and publishes box office returns. Jericho Royall bases all of his predictions on his lifelong fascination with bad movies and stupid people and how the combination of the two directly affects the weekly box office. Apples and Moustaches Box Office Report, (aka AMBOR): Because it’s pretty incredible how much the bottom line is affected by people who can’t spell the bottom line.
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