Monday, March 8, 2010
I want some of your brown sugar...
By Magglio and Jericho -
Is it just me, or does Big Ben just keep getting cooler and cooler?
We have an enormous black lady that waters the plants in our office. why do we pay enormous black lady to water our plans when all we have is one little tree and a few ferns? I have no fucking clue. The better question: am i allowed to say "what up, Precious?"
Say what you will about Lady Gaga…her music is overplayed, she wears toilet paper on her face and she makes up words in her songs. But I’ll tell you something. In the ‘Bad Romance’ video when they show her standing there in that white thong…curtains. That bitch can keep doing whatever she wants as long as we get more shots of that candy ass. And if you’ve seen the video then you’re definitely nodding your head right now.
At the oscars last night we got introduced to a new kind of fat: Precious fat. This is when someone is so fat they can't even open their eyes. It also helps if your cheeks are so big they look like Julius Peppers' knees. The Precious Fat era is off to a great start.
David Carr and Alex Smith together again. Like when Paris and Nicole had a reality show where they milked cows.
Let me put it this way, when a woman has never won best director before and they announce that the award will be presented by Barbara Streisand, that's analogous to wondering if your kid might be gay and then having Elton John pick him up for a date. Barbara Streisand! Why not just cut the chase and have an enormous vagina present the award.
One of the most underrated aspects of the Oscars: the stereotype shot. When someone makes a joke and they immediately cut to someone in the crowd that fits / represents the punchline. Make a womanizer joke: cut to Clooney. Make a Jewish joke: cut to one of the Coen brothers. Make a botox joke: wide shot of audience. Make a black joke: cut to either Denzel, Sam Jackson, Don Cheadle or Da Queen in that order of preference. Make a hot old lady joke: cut to Helen Mirren. Make a "hide your children joke, she's got that hungry look on her face even though we can't really see her eyes: cut to Precious and her buttcheek-cheeks.
There are two kinds of people at the cream and sugar bar of a coffee shop. Those that box out to establish their position and then proceed to touch every stirrer, creamer, sugar, and cup holder possible while babying their drink like it’s as precious as Angelina Jolie’s vagina. The other does the dip and dive. Where you’re constantly dodging and ducking other people to just get a dash of this or a shake of that. I’m more of a dip and diver. My vagina knows its place in this world.