Tuesday, April 7, 2009
The USS Colon
Does anyone care about the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame? Say what you will about the credibility of the major sports’ hall of fames but at least they have stats and can be somewhat objective. Why don’t we call the Hall of Fame induction ceremony what it really is, a chance to scream “holy titty fucking Christ!” when you see how old and weird Lars Ulrich looks in HD.
Member that scene in Almost Famous when Billy Crudup screams “I’m a Golden God” and then jumps from the roof into a swimming pool? So he’s standing there and everyone is egging him to jump but you can tell he doesn’t really want to but has no choice now, so he backs up and jumps with a “man, what the fuck did I get myself into?” look on his face? Isn’t that exactly how Josh McDaniels is feeling right now about the Cutler situation? He talked big, stood his ground and now he’s wearing all his clothes in a swimming pool with Kyle fucking Orton. Awesome, Josh, enjoy going 5-11 for two years and then coaching receivers at Oklahoma State.
Do you think porpoises ever wonder about the purpose of porpoise life? Or, like the rest of us, are they just too preoccupied pursuing porpoise pussy to ponder anything?
About three years ago after a hellacious night of drinking, I stood up from the toilet and realized that I had shit a sailboat. It was incredible. Here’s this little sailboat, floating around the bowl and there’s a crew, and people sitting on the bow with drinks and cheese and they’re all waving at me. As you can imagine, this surprised the fucking hell out of me. In retrospect however, crapping out the USS Colon was not nearly as surprising as learning that Fast and Furious made $71 million last weekend.
Thanks, Michigan State, thanks a fucking lot. You had a chance to revive an entire region, to put food on people’s tables, to create millions of new jobs, solve the energy crisis, fix the ozone layer, get Arrested Development back on the air, reduce dependence on foreign oil, solve the JFK murder, cure AIDS, stop George Lucas from making Star Wars movies, finally get a topless picture of Jessica Simpson on the Internet and remove that grimy tap water everyone is forced to drink and replace it with fresh Unicorn urine. You didn’t just get your colon ripped in half on national TV; you let the nation down, shame on you.