Random Thoughts

For the first time in almost 2 years I didn’t feel like posting anything. Jericho and Caity have been carrying the load. Quite well I might add. (If we can only get Caity off her high horse and have her write more then we’ll be set. She’s a fucking diva if you can’t tell. “Magglio I need some water.” “Jericho stop staring at me when I write it makes me nervous.” “Do you have any naked pictures of TahoeSanta?” “Where’s my vibrator, I’m having writer’s block.” Bless her. She’s a gift and we should all be thankful. Am I wrong?)

I can’t remember the last time we went more than 2 days without a post. It’s like when Tiger came up a bit short at the Masters this year. You didn’t expect it and you were left wondering “what happened to Phil’s bitch tits?” So, I’m here to tell you that I’m back. And Phil’s bitch tits are doing just fine.

Let's get into it....some Apples & Moustaches...because I said so...


Apple
The Giants made it through April with a respectable 10-10 record. This team is dangerous. If we get 2 clutch hits during a game, we will win. It’s as simple as that. Unfortunately sometimes our bats go silence and we wind up losing 2-0. But with this pitching staff, the BEST pitching staff in baseball, 2 hits with runners in scoring position means that we’re going to win the game. If Sabean had some balls he’d make a trade for a big bat and we’d really make some noise. I can dream right?


Moustache
This Friday I’m going to the San Jose Giants game. Yes, I’m a big fat dork and I know it. The San Jose Giants are single A but the stars have aligned (unfavorable weather in the East Coast) and all of our best prospects are in San Jose. Buster Posey, Madison Bumgarner and 17-year-old Angel Miguel Villalona. What’s the felony equivalent to lusting after your team’s single A ballclub? Hearing that the incoming 8th grade class at a local middle school has some potential and then timing your lunch break with the school’s so you can ‘hang out’ in the parking lot? Yep. That sounds about right.


Apple
Fuck the Swine Flu. Seriously. Go fuck yourself Swine Flu. Me and all my readers are not letting you into our lives. And to prove it I’m going to order a carnitas burrito, lick the handrail on the bus and fire up the crock pot for some old fashioned cocktail weenies. And fuck you too Rajon Rondo while we’re at it.


Moustache
Real World Road Rules Challenge off the fucking charts this season. No doubt about it. This might be the best show on TV. If you’re not watching, start now. It’s got everything; athletic competitions, frat guy partying, sweet lesbian muff diving, and professional BMX biker TJ Lavin. What more could you ask for? In my draft I picked Derek (not the badass one, he’s not on this season) and Rachel…the sexy lesbian. I like my chances.


Apple
The Niners stole Michael Crabtree. The Raiders have gone from punchline to scary lunatic wacko, like when the crazies on Market St. stop asking for change and just try to touch you instead. Mark Sanchez is a dreamboat. The Hawks lucked out when Aaron Curry fell into their lap. Rhett Bomar will be the best QB in this draft when it’s all said and done. Pedro Gomez could use a big fat shoe up his ass. Next year the Niners will pair their two first round picks together, trade up to 3, and get Taylor Mays. Ballgame bitches.


Moustache
Heidi Montag wears the fuck out of a bikini…am I wrong?

Get the Week Going

I like the new Noah Wyle spot about polar bears, how by donating ten cents a month to WWF you can help save X number of bears. However, shouldn’t the commercial start with, “Hi, I’m Noah Wyle, much like polar bears, my career is on its way out.”


Rather than abstinent, can we start saying agnostic? The Jonas Brothers really want to believe that sex is awesome, but have doubts so aren’t committing to anything. This will really get awesome if Nick Jonas starts having sex with Miley Cyrus after seeing her vagina appear in his burrito.


You know what phrase I hate? Anti-hero. I know why people use it, to describe a hero that doesn’t fit the normal hero build (e.g., Jack Bauer, Jack Sparrow, Tyler Durden) but doesn’t anti-hero literally mean villain? I mean, if your girl decides just to lick it up and down, you wouldn’t call that an anti-blow job would you? “Get that fucking thing away from me!” That’s an anti-blow job.


On that note, I officially turned on the term anti-hero when I was reading a preview of 24 and the writer (can’t remember who or where I read this) referred to Jack Bauer as the “anti-hero du jour.” Look, rather than “anti-hero du jour,” just print a picture of the giant dildo you’re sitting on, we can do the math.


The dude from Twilight is getting on my nerves lately. Smugness in Hollywood is akin to respect in the real world, you have to earn it. This fucking lemon drop hasn’t earned that smirk yet. Clooney can smirk. Harrison Ford can smirk. Pierce Brosnan can smirk the fuck out it. Twilight? That’s not smirk-worthy, fella.


JR

Caity's Time of the Month...

*We've got tits! That's right. A&M has a female writer complete with anatomically correct parts. Enjoy Caity's time of the month, a segment written for the female side, from the female side of Apples and Moustaches.


by Caity

My sister has been dating a real fucking douche-bag for some time now. Apart from acting like a 13-year-old girl with her first period on the daily, this future Tool Academy reject says things like, "You have a black hole in your heart" and "I just don't know if I can trust you anymore." Really? I saw that episode of Hannah Montana, too, and it doesn't end well. As if that weren't sufficient grounds for dismissal, I was looking at her Facebook pictures (shut up) and this grown, tax-paying individual blatantly frosts his tips. What? Sun-In and lemon juice wasn't cutting it anymore? Just had to go for the real deal? Jesus Tap-Dancing Christ, your balls called and they want to come home. What do you even say when you go to the salon?


Dick Lick McGillicutty: Um, if you could just lighten the top part of the strands a little bit...

Central Florida Super Cuts Associate: Oh, you mean you'd like me to frost your tips? Dick

Lick McGillicutty: [hangs head] Yes.

Central Florida Super Cuts Associate: [Rolls eyes and says in Tagalog] Queen.


You want to know the episode of Dawson's Creek I remember most vividly? Season 2, episode 1. Pacey, convinced that a new school year spells big changes for him, decides to frost his tips. I remember this episode because it was the day my 10th grade heart shattered into a million tiny pieces that I'm still picking up. At that moment I realized that if Pacey could fall for this fuckery, then perfection was an illusion and I've been looking for love in all the wrong places ever since. Taking this to its logical conclusion, I thought it would be appropriate to compile a list of the "10 Least Appealing Things a Gentleman Has Said While I Had No Panties On." I have some real winners, but I decided to include some of the gems from my best loved (read sluttiest) friends, as well.


The 10 Least Attractive Things a Gentleman Has Said While I Had No Panties On:

10. "I never hold in farts."

9. "Whoops...maybe I should have taken a piss beforehand."

8. "I am not Zach, I am his father. Zach is resting after last night, young lady. Now, get some clothes on so I can take you home."

7. "Hey, could I borrow twenty dollars tomorrow for a cab?"

6. "Maybe if you had another drink you'd be more open to it." (For the record, I did and I was, so this one could be out of place.)

5. "I did meth earlier so I'm probably not going to be able to fall asleep for a while."

4. "Wait, if I started the medication on Tuesday I should be fine to do it today. Right?"

3. "I never lost my suckling reflex...want me to show you?

2. "I see you're fine with the ball gag. What do you say to a game of anal ring toss?"

1. "Check out my new Christian Dior sunglasses."


I know the readership of Apples and Moustaches are an elegant and sophisticated group, but should any of you have your own klassy stories to contribute, that's why Jesus invented the comment section.



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Painful

Painful.

That’s the only word that can describe the office baby shower thrown at 3pm on a Thursday afternoon. There’s nothing worse than standing awkwardly as the chubby pregnant chick unwraps a gift box filled with stuffed toy animals and a mini baby food maker. Hungry? Grab a baby carrot or a mini-peanut butter and jelly sandwich without crusts. Get it?

Man chicks are stupid. No, you know what? Chicks aren’t stupid for throwing baby showers. They’re stupid for making guys go to baby showers. I don’t know what it is, a different chromosome, a crossed wire, whatever…but guys DO NOT want to go to baby showers. For all you ladies out there (all the single ladies, all the single ladies….sorry, can’t help it. I secretly want to shake my ass when that song comes on. Who’s the chick now?) For all you ladies out there…don’t make your husband or your boyfriend or your brother go to your baby shower. Please. Let them golf. Let them watch TV. Let them be free for the day.

But not at work. Nope. Forced fun I call it. It’s like in Office Space when everyone gathers to sing someone else happy birthday. Fucking painful. Small talk is hard enough with people you work with. Now imagine small talk surrounded by pastel streamers and balloons. And it’s not like its 5pm and you’re nursing a cocktail at a nearby bar on the company’s dime. No. It’s 3pm and you’re checking your blackberry. Praying that an urgent email will come through. But it didn’t. I had to stick around. I had to participate in the games.

Then it was time for the t-shirt making contest. I shit you not. We had a t-shirt contest complete with puff paint. Go on, read that sentence again. Yep, puff paint. There weren’t any guidelines. Just design a tiny little t-shirt for the yet-to-be-born baby using the provided puff paint. My mind ran wild. At first I wanted to write in big block letters “SHOW ME YOUR TIT”. Get it? Not tits plural. Singular. Fuck I crack myself up sometimes. Then I thought maybe I’d draw a big open baby mouth and have an arrow pointing in it that read ‘Insert Nipple Here’. But then I thought it would be hard to properly portray an open baby’s mouth using only puff paint. My last idea was to cut out a picture of myself, paste it in the middle, and write ‘Who’s Your Daddy?’. I’d never met her husband. He couldn’t be all that tough…could he?

I settled on a fire engine. Damn I can be such a chick sometimes.




III

Stuff is happening!

Note: Fuck you. I don't know how to make the links go to an external window. Just be sure to come back. Thanks, Management.


* Roddy White…100 catches in 2009!


* Tyson’s getting paid!


* Worst deal since the Skins gave Randel-El $120million?


* DJ Gallo from ESPN.com can suck a squirrel’s nutsack!


* SG is as good as it gets!


* Only 2 days till the draft….read things!


* Sweet Lohan side-boob shot!


* Things you should not Twitter!


* Un-Fat White Guy?!






III

Ramble On

Do you ever noitice that guys with big dicks can’t never spel or write good?

Two terms that I think we should try and bring back to the vernacular: finger banging and eating out. How awesome/unnecessarily gross are those terms? I mean, when you think back to being 15 and describing your latest conquest to your buddies, we were really, really 15 weren’t we?

The question, “which famous person do people mistake you for?” is a good one, but it’s only half the story. The better question is “how much fun is it to be mistaken for a famous person and then offer to blow the guy?” Simultaneously you get a) to slander a celebrity’s reputation and b) fresh sausage in your mouth. Talk about a win win!

I give this social media thing 5 more years and then we all collectively realize, “wait a minute, I hate these people!”

This just in from the department of the inconceivably offensive: fuck Earth Day, fuck the kids from Slumdog Millionaire and fuck Michael J. Fox.

I appreciate Perez Hilton’s question about gay marriage at the Miss USA Contest, but I do think he should’ve had a dick in his mouth while asking, would’ve been so much more impactful, harder to understand maybe, but more impactful.

Oracle bought Sun! And in other news, the San Diego Zoo just got a Mastodon.

Profit at Yahoo! was down 78% this quarter, but the brass is still adamant that not selling to MSFT was the right idea. Riiiiiight. Other than all that mess in the middle, how’d you enjoy the play, Mrs. Lincoln?

When you aren’t allowed to bring deodorant on a plane, they need a to build a better plane. When creepy high school security officers are strip-searching 13 yr olds for drugs then they need to build a better plane.


JR

Suck my Podcast!

Last night we had the privilege of joining the two sweet dudes from NFL Draft Day Countdown on a podcast. Is that what the kids are calling it these days? A podcast? I call it a phone call that now is posted online for eternity so those pot references I made will someday be used against me by my own children when they want to smoke pot and they’ll be saying ‘but Daddy you were a huge pothead’ and I’ll say ‘go ask your mother.’

I even convinced Jericho to emerge from his hole and join us. Let me just explain something. Besides being a total movie junkie, Jericho lives for the NFL draft. For the past 2 months every IM I get from him is a potential trade between two teams that is so complex it’s hard to follow. I’m sure they make sense. But let’s be honest, I don’t give a shit if Seahawks trade this year’s 3rd and 5th rounder for the Dolphins 2nd rounder in 2011, 4th rounder in 2016 and John David Booty’s soiled jockstrap from the 2007 game versus Minnesota. Yes. This is my life.

Listen here. These guys know their shit. And stay tuned for next week. We’ve been invited back.


***Miss California is ignorant but still sexy kinda like Sarah Palin.




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