Thursday, September 10, 2009

AFC Preview

Includes: AFC Breakdown and 10 random thoughts

AFC East
1. Patriots: 13-3
2. Dolphins: 7-9
3. Jets: 7-9
4. Bills: 6-10

AFC North
1. Steelers: 11-5
2. Ravens: 9-7
3. Bengals: 8-8
4. Browns: 4-12

AFC South
1. Colts: 10-6
2. Titans: 10-6
3. Texans: 9-7
4. Jags: 7-9

AFC West
1. Chargers: 11-5
2. Raiders: 6-10
3. Chiefs: 5-11
4. Broncos: 3-13

Playoff Seeds
1. Patriots
2. Chargers
3. Steelers
4. Colts
5. Titans
6. Ravens

Wild Card
Steelers over Ravens
Titans over Colts

Steelers over Patriots
Chargers over Titans

AFC Championship
Steelers over Chargers

10 random AFC thoughts

Fairly predictable picks for a year that I think will be fairly predictable. The Patriots are back to being the dominant team with Brady back; the Steelers didn’t lose anyone and will have the best defense in the league by far; the Chargers are still the most talented team from top to bottom and will underachieve like always; the Colts and Ravens will do what they always do: dominate on one side of the ball during the regular season and have their shortcomings on the other side be exposed in the playoffs; the surprise team from the year before – in this case the Dolphins – will whither under a harder schedule and drop back to mediocrity; and finally, the team that people are talking way too much about – in this case the Texans – will start strong, and then lose 4 in a row as they try and suck their own dicks. Any kind of major shakeup will happen in the NFC, I think the AFC is business as usual.

Over the last few days, we’ve been treated to two of the better football-related stories of all time: Seymour refusing to show up after being traded from NE to OAK and the whole Merriman / Tila Tequila situation, which has been utterly delightful on every level. After a summer of Favre, Vick, Ocho Cinco’s Twitter account, the question of whether or not Big Ben forced his coin into that hairy bitch’s slot machine, The Cowboy’s sketchy video board, Plax, McNair and a host of other unpleasant stories, it’s nice to have some inconsequential, entertaining drama back in our football lives.

Two teams that are better than you think: Cincy and Oakland.

Cincy: Carson is healthy; the defense is better (Rivers and Maualuga will be one of better inside/outside LB combos); Ocho and Henry seem rejuvenated; the schedule is easier; I don’t think they can hang with PIT or BAL, but I can see them winning 8 games.

Oakland: Hear me out on this one. JaMarcus Russell played well down the stretch last year and looked decent in the preseason, McFadden is healthy and has something to prove, Tom Cable punched one of his assistants, which on another team would be a harbinger of doom but in Oakland is overwhelmingly positive, and the defense is young and fiery. They’re not good, but they’re not terrible either, watch them finish second in the toilet bowl known as the AFC West and play a meaningful game in December.


Two teams that are worse than you think: Dolphins and Broncos.

Dolphins: Here’s a statistic that I love: on average, when a team goes from worst to first, their total wins decreases by 3 the following year. I don’t trust this team and I don’t like their schedule (they open @ ATL, home for INDY and then @ SD, followed by games against NO, PITT, TENN and 2 against NE) – I think they take a major step back.

Side note about the Dolphins: here’s a joke I was dying to make this spring and summer.

Random person X: Hey, Jericho, what did you think about the Dolphins taking Pat White in the 2nd round?

Jericho: I loved it. I hear he uses the same tampons as Ted Ginn, so that’s huge.

Broncos: I am biased here for two reasons: 1) The Hawks traded their 2nd rd pick this year for DEN’s 1 in 2010 and 2) I hate everything about the McDaniels era, was on Cutler’s side 100000% and want his tenure to be the worst in football history. He seems like such a fuck.

I think I speak for everyone when I say the Belichick Coaching Tree gets a fat F- so far. The problem with Crennel, Mangini and McDaniels (leaving that fat fuck piece of shit Charlie Weis out of this b/c he’s in college) is that they walk around with Belichick’s swagger but haven’t earned it yet. McDaniels’ approach to the Cutler situation was right out of the Belichick handbook, except it wasn’t being ran by a fucking mastermind with three rings (5 if you count the 2 as the Giants D Coordinator), it was being ran by a 32 piss face who thinks he can be the mayor because he always wins at Monopoly. The biggest problem? Belichick can do crazy shit like trade Seymour or go with an undrafted rookie as Brady’s backup and no one bats an eye in the locker room, everyone believes. McDaniels doesn’t get the same leeway. As soon as Denver gets to 1-5 or 2-6, the team will unequivocally quit on him.

The Wildcat is kind of like Tila Tequila, she occasionally looks so good in pictures that she tricks you into thinking she’s hotter than she really is but, ultimately, she can’t do shit with Merriman’s hands around her neck. In other words, I think defenses clamp down on the Wildcat this year and it’s gone by week 5.

I think all the talk about “what will the Ravens do without Rex Ryan?” is kind of like saying, “what will Velvet Revolver do without Scott Weiland?” Don’t the Ravens still have the best run stuffing tackle in Haloti Ngata? Don’t they still have the best free safety in the NFL and maybe ever in Ed Reed? Don’t they still have the best motivator and biggest badass in Ray Lewis? Don’t they still have one of the better rushing OLBs in Terrell Suggs? What am I missing here? If Flacco had anyone to throw to I think they’d win the division.

You heard it here first: Matt Cassel fucking sucks and will be a massive, massive disaster in KC. The good news, at least he’ll get off to a good start since the Chiefs get to host the Rex Ryan-less Ravens in week one. My prediction: Suggs will absolutely decimate Cassel on the first series for a 12-yard loss, which will lead to Ray Lewis celebrating by ripping off one of Cassel’s legs and then pretending that Suggs is an enormous cello, using the leg as the bow (or whatever the fuck you call it).

A few quick hits:
- I think we’re going to get a lot of Vince Young this year and I think we’re going to like it.
- Ocho Cinco is going to give one of his friends his Twitter log in and have them Tweet from his account immediately after every one of his touchdowns. He’ll then do something dumb like pretending to type on the ball which will lead to an uncomfortable press conference where Goodell confirms that NFL footballs do not have WiFi or a keypad.
- Kyle Orton will give a spirited “no one believes in us except us!” speech, complete with fist pumps and a flipped over bench. Which would work except he looks like a homeless guy and has the first name “Kyle” and the last name “Orton.” (Honestly, can we please stop talking about his 21-12 record as a starter? He sucks and if you don’t know it, you suck.)
- Coaches fired after the season: Dick Jauron, Jack Del Rio, McDaniels and Cable (unless he kills the quality control assistant then he stays for sure)

Coach of the Year: Marvin Lewis, Cincy
Best Offensive Player: Brady, NE
Best Defensive Player: Lawrence Timmons, PITT
Best Offensive Rookie: Knowshon Moreno, DEN
Best Defensive Rookie: Brian Cushing, HOU
Best Offseason Move: Jets trading for Lito Sheppard
Worst Offseason Move: Because you’re sick of hearing about the Broncos, how about the Chiefs trading Gonzalez (why trade for a new QB and then trade your best offensive player? Isn’t that like getting your chick fake tits and cutting your dick off in the same week?)



tahoesanta said...

Ravens will win the AFC.

You read it here first.

mixmaster said...

Raiders are going to suck harder than tahoe's mom.

tahoesanta said...

That would be a neat trick. She's had four husbands.

Fuck off mixmaster.