Monday, January 12, 2009

Today is a good day

10 reasons to be happy this Monday afternoon….

1) Because Jericho is back. For fuck’s sake that was painful. More painful then what it must be like for Tony Parker to have sex with Eva Longoria, “Do it baby. Do it. Make love to me. We’re making love. We’re doing it. We’re making love now baby. This is making love. We are in love and we are making love. This is us doing love. This is us love doing each other. Who’s my baby? Who’s my baby?”

2) Because my little brother, on his first ever weekend betting on football, put 5 bucks down on a 4 team money line parlay and correctly picked the Ravens, Cardinals, Eagles and Steelers. Not with points mind you, he picked outright winners. The odds were 40-1 and he got $200 back. Incredible. As for me? I lost every single bet I placed this weekend.

3) Because Jericho being back means we’ll get an honest to goodness Oscar preview. My biggest question is where have all the fun movies gone? Every movie out right now is about love lost, or World War 2 or losing your loved ones in World War 2. I could use a dose of Rosie O’Donnell right now. That big bitch always makes me laugh.

4) Because Lil’ Joshy is on Facebook which means I get to keep tabs on what he’s up to from a safe distance. Remember, this is the guy who spent 2 weeks last summer reading up on male lactation in hopes of one day being able to nourish his cat, Trabek. He kept reasoning that he wanted to try and give back the love that his cat gives him.

5) Because pitchers and catchers report in just 32 days!

6) Because today is Monday which means The Bachelor is on tonight. In my betting league I got the 3rd overall pick and took Naomi. I’m feeling good about my choice. She looks the most like DeAnna and we know that he’s into that sorta thing. It also means we’ll get to see Nikki and her major yabbos flopping around. Decent.

7) Because last night at the Golden Globes, neither Angelina Jolie or Brad Pitt won a thing. Because Tracy Morgan is a funny motherfucker. Because Drew Barrymore’s hair looked so stupid. Because Leonardo DiCaprio is banging Kate Winslet and everyone knows it even Sam Mendes. Because J-Lo tried to wear another “J-Lo” dress and then everyone realized she’s a mom of twins and that was like 10 years ago and at the end of you were left asking yourself “why is J-Lo trying to wear another ‘J-Lo’ dress?”

8) Because Peyton and Eli are not only out of the playoffs but they’re about to get smoked by Venus and Serena in the Double Stuffed Racing League. The Williams sisters are giving 4.5 points. Take the points and the over. Trust me on this one.

9) Because Rock of Love was on last night and Bret Michaels kept the sloppy Brazilian chick (pictured) around. She’s what would happen if Manny Ramirez, Winnie from the Wonder Years and a bottle of Patron made a baby. Also, the chick who looks like a dude really cleaned up for the final scene and you know what? She’s kinda hot. This show is the biggest and best train wreck on television. Without question. The most unsurprising part which always seems to surprise me is how turned on I am by the time the show is over. So nobody call me Sunday night around 10. I’m busy. Just saying.

10) Because I just remembered that Tahoe Santa and Treek owe me money which means my gambling addiction will live another day. Yes. My account is currently at $0. Mama needs some juice.



tahoesanta said...

I owe everybody money...get in line mother fucker, I got 5 kids to feed.

Emily said...

This is awesome. All day long, I've been thinking that The Bachelor is on Tuesday nights. Now, thanks to Apples & Moustaches, this Monday sucks a little bit less ass! Phew.

Anonymous said...

So. Excited. For the Bachelor. Still haven't made my pick yet. I guess I'll stick with Nikki, but I'm not too happy about it. Naomi's a good call.

Uncle Icee said...

The BAchelor is so over rated. The real fun is Rock of Love Bus. I actually have Auntie Icee into it and we can't stop watching, it's more than embarrassing and the women are straight up hoochies. I agree with you, you will not hear from me at 10:00 on Sunday night,