Friday, August 20, 2010
DOs and DON'Ts of a Fantasy Draft
By Magglio and Jericho
Your office manager just asked you if Tom Brady should be her first round pick. A guy on the bus talks loudly about how Desean Jackson screwed him last season. You start to twitch thinking about how much Chris Berman you’ll be force fed over the next 6 months. It can mean only one thing. Fantasy Football is back.
If you’re awesome, then you’re meeting up with the other people in your league and making a day out of your draft. In preparation for your upcoming draft, here is Apple and Moustaches DO’s and DON'Ts for a successful draft.
DON’T…ever draft anyone from your favorite team. I made this mistake last year by taking both Hasselbeck (barf) and Housh (barf and then have that barf shoved up your butt) and that made last year twice as bad. I think the key to playing fantasy and still enjoying football is to try and separate them, not entirely possible, but the bigger the divide the better. Don’t shit where you eat, or to put this in Seahawk-fan terms, when you find your wife in bed with another guy don’t start blowing him.
DO…overspend on a good bottle of booze. There’s a good chance there will be shitty beer at your draft. We all know that. But what’s important is that you bring a quality bottle of booze to the party. Bring something a tiny bit above what everyone is expecting. It will let people know you mean business. Then proceed to pass the bottle around and encourage drinking in the spirit of ‘guy time’ and ‘ridiculousness.’ You can also use the bottle to shove up anyone’s ass who is dumb enough to pick a Seahawk. FYI.
DON’T….play in a league with girls. Fantasy Football is not for girls. This is a game for dudes. If girls want to make an appearance at your draft they have 2 options 1) make and serve drinks. 2) show their tits and then make and serve drinks. Everyone knows this rule.
DO…celebrate a meaningless pick like you just won the lottery. It has to be well timed and it should hit somewhere around the mid-rounds. And as soon as the guy before you picks start cheering like you just got the pass from your wife to motorboat J-WOWW. Confidently announce your pick, close whatever materials you have in front of you loudly, toss a chair over, ruffle the hair of whomever is sitting next to you, do the Ric Flair yell and loudly announce “I can’t believe (insert name) fell to me. I’m absolutely fucking this draft in the ass!”
DO…pick one random guy in your draft and take an absolute shit on every one of his picks and encourage the rest of the dudes to do the same. Even if it’s a good pick, fuck him. Every league has that one guy that no one really likes but is somehow, inexplicably, still in the league. If you’re sitting there thinking, “my league doesn’t have one,” then it’s you, fuck ball.
DON’T…be the first one to take a kicker. In fact, don’t even take a kicker. Pick an extra WR, think about it for a week then pick up a kicker right before game time. Being the first guy to take a kicker is like being the first one to get a lap dance at a strip club, it just has a weird stigma to it. Like standing up and announcing “I’m a tremendous pussy” (kicker) or “I jerk off at work!” (stripper).
DO...target as many Jags, Chiefs, Dolphins and Pats as possible. Then go home and suck an enormous dick, pussy.
DON’T...read a word that Matthew Berry writes because if he recommends something, and you do it, and it works, then you’ll be secretly indebted to him, and he’ll know, I don’t know how he’ll know, but that creepy fuck will know, which will lead to some combination of a dick and a mouth, who’s and where, not sure, but don’t do it, just don’t do it.
DO…follow us on Twitter…..@rickreilyisgay